Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 5
by BentleyGirl
Summary: The final part of my novelization of the first five series. Please read my other stories to understand this. Also please read and review. UPDATED! Rated T for swearing
1. You Can't Park Here

**Hello again readers. We have now reached the fifth and final part of my novelization of Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles.**

**Quick reminder that I don't own the rights to Halo or Red vs. Blue; they belong to their respective owners who I'm sure you already know.**

**And of course, I bring up the footnote for the story:**

'Normal text' – English

(Normal text) – Translation for Spanish

'**Bold text**' – O'Malley's speech

**So continue where we left off.**

* * *

Chapter 1: You Can't Park Here

In the canyon known simply as Blood Gulch, Private Church, the unofficial leader of the Blue Team, ran into the Blue Base and made his way through the corridors. As he approached the medical ward, he could hear an almighty din of crashing, thumping and blarging.

Then Church spotted Doc, the medic he'd hired, standing in the passage, looking at his reflection in the electronic medical pad for any sign of the rogue AI, O'Malley. "Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?"

"Church, everything's fine," Doc reassured, putting the pad away. "The patient's just resting."

Church cringed as he heard a loud smashing of bottles in the ward. "It doesn't _sound_ like he's resting."

"That's not Tucker," Doc corrected. "That's our new arrival. He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding."

Church grimaced. "Tucker _fed_ the baby? Gross."

"Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village."

"How'd you get him to agree to that?"

"It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice."

"He hates needles."

"No needles," Doc assured. "It turns out, if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy digs right in! It's like a _miracle_ to see nature at work."

At that moment, Caboose came staggering out of the ward and leaned against the wall. "I feel dizzy…"

Church looked up and saw that his blue teammate was looking very pale. "Um, is he gonna be okay?"

"Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go, isn't that cool?" Doc giggled. "I think he's gonna be a linebacker, or a vampire… or a _vampire linebacker_! That'd be crazy."

Caboose pushed himself upright and then glanced woozily up at the ceiling. "Oooooh…"

"Anyway blood _is_ pretty important," Doc continued seriously. "So Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-"

"I think I'm going to stop standing up now," Caboose slurred then he slumped to the floor.

"Or passing out," Doc finished.

"Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice," Caboose whimpered.

Just then, there was another loud crashing noise followed by an even louder "Blargblargblargblargblarg!"

"How can Tucker sleep with all that _racket?_" Church cried out.

"_Sleep?_" Doc asked puzzled. "He's not sleeping, he's in a coma."

"Alright, that's it," Church growled. "Get out of the way, Doc. I'll take care of this."

"I can't feel my torso," Caboose moaned.

"I don't think so," Doc retorted, stepping in front of Church. "A newborn is _really susceptible_ to infection and disease, and cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible."

"Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold." Church then whipped out his pistol. "I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head, because that's how I roll."

"Well, now you're _definitely_ not coming in," Doc insisted. "And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too."

"I'm still laying here," Caboose whined. "Why won't anyone help me?"

"I tell you what," Church scowled, ignoring Caboose's pleas. "I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?"

Doc folded his arms and shook his head. "Sorry."

"Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base."

"Church, don't make me pull rank on you."

"_Rank?_ What the fuck?" Church cried out. "You don't outrank me, I'm a Captain!"

"No, you're a Private with a _dead_ Captain," Doc corrected. "The last time I checked, that makes you a Private, with a dead Captain."

"My body… is trying to die," Caboose moaned.

"Okay, fine," Church snapped. "Then we're both Privates, you don't outrank me."

"No," Doc retorted. "I'm Medical _Super-Private, First Class._"

"That's not a real rank."

"Yes it is."

"Since when?"

"Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion."

"They promoted you for _that!?_ You haven't even used your weapon!"

"Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people, Church, leadership is about being able to tell _others_ to fire bullets and stab people."

Caboose rolled on to his back. "If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn _into_ one of them?"

"Shut up, Caboose," Church snapped.

"Blaaaaaaaaaarg."

"Shut up, Caboose!"

"Oh no, don't let me turn."

Church stepped forward to kick Caboose when suddenly there was a loud whooshing roar followed by a crash so loud the ground shook and Church and Doc were thrown three feet into the air.

"What the hell was that!?" Church gasped.

"I didn't feel anything," Caboose murmured.

"I'll be right back," Church yelled to Doc, running back up the passageway. "Don't feed any more of our soldiers to the alien!"

"Okay," Doc called back. "But I can't make any promises."

"Don't leave me with the horrible doctor," Caboose shouted weakly.

"Oh shut up, Caboose," Doc said irately.

"Now he's cursing at me."

Outside the Base, a great cloud of dust had covered most of the canyon, hiding the Pelican-class ship that had crash-landed right in the middle of Blood Gulch.

With a fit of coughs, the Sergeant of the Red Team emerged from the dust, clutching his shotgun. "Simmons, status report."

"Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky and landed on Donut, Sir," Simmons gasped.

"Are there any other injuries?"

"No Sir."

"You sure?"

"I think so."

"Are you sure? No one _accidentally_ got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the _incredible distraction_ of a spaceship crash landing, purely by coincidence?"

"Uh, I don't kno-"

"_No one orange?_"

"I'm fine," Grif muttered, stepping out from the settling dust cloud.

"Sorry, Sir," Simmons said.

"Oh darn," Sarge grunted, glancing his gun. "I really need to adjust the sights on this thing."

"What about Private Donut, Sir? There's _no way_ he survived _that_." Simmons sighed and bowed his head sadly. "Poor Donut… I'll miss him like a sister."

Sarge nodded glumly. "I'll miss him like… well, like someone I knew but that I don't really want to reflect on how deep our relationship went."

Just then, from the ship, there came a series of loud metallic noises.

"Wait a second," Simmons cried. "Do you hear that? It sounds like tapping."

"All I hear is you guys talkin' about your feelings for Donut," Grif replied with a grimace, brushing the dust off his armor. "And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that."

Simmons stepped closer to the ship and then heard the tapping. "_Listen_, there it is again."

"You're absolutely right!" Sarge yelled. "That sounds like Morris Code."

"Um, excuse me Sir?" Simmons cut in. "It's actually not _Morris_ Code, it's _Morse_ Code, Sir."

"Ha, Morse," Sarge chuckled. "That sounds ridiculous. I don't think so."

"Yes. _Morse_ is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio. Mor_ris_ was a television cat that sold cat food."

"And that cat was one of our _finest military minds_. Don't you see? That just means Donut is alive and trying to contact us! Now get to tappin'!"

Simmons rubbed his chin in thought. "Maybe we can lift the ship off of him somehow."

"Great idea, Simmons!" Sarge cried out. "I've read reports that people can get _enormous strength_ in stressful situations. There was one woman who lifted a car off her baby."

"You want me to call Donut's mother?" Grif chuckled.

"Don't make me angry, Grif, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," Sarge growled. "Now if only there was some way to tap into our inner rage, like that Hulk fella. Dang nabbit, there's never any gamma radiation around when you need it."

"Well," Simmons suggested. "What if we tried getting into the ship and lowering the landing gear? That might _raise_ the ship-"

"Or," Sarge cut in. "We could build an army of clones that could _lift_ the ship-"

"I think that the jack in the Warthog might be able to lift it…"

"I could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic, or both!"

"Or we could try digging underneath the hull…"

"I got it!" Sarge bellowed. "A levitation ray… I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back."

"But Sir!" Simmons called.

"Simmons, there's no time to chat about your crackpot theories!" Sarge yelled, leaping into the Warthog Mk 2. "This is a crisis situation. It's time to save us all, with science!" And with that, he drove off back to the Red Base.

Grif watched him leave then turned to Simmons with a sigh. "Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?"

"And our shovels," Simmons muttered, slapping a hand over his visor. "Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death."

"What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?"

Grif and Simmons spun round at the shout to find Church standing by the ship, assault rifle in his hands.

"Fuck off, Blue," Grif snapped. "A ship just crashed on one of our guys."

"What, this ship?" Church asked, turning to look at the Pelican.

"No, another ship," Simmons replied sarcastically. "Then that ship left and this ship crashed in the exact same spot."

"Where'd it come from?" Church asked.

"It's a spaceship," Grif replied. "It came from space."

Church glanced at the ship then at the Reds then placed a hand on the side of the ship. "Dibs."

"What?" Simmons cried out.

"Dibs," Church repeated. "I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs."

"No, it isn't, _jackass_," Simmons scowled. "We found it first."

"Yeah, but you didn't call dibs," Church pointed out. "I did… Dibs. See?"

"You can't call dibs on a spaceship!" Grif yelled. "That's ridiculous."

"Ohoh yes I can," Church chuckled. "Dibs- see? I just did it again." He raised his rifle at them. "Now get the fuck away from my ship, tomato can."

"Don't call me tomato can!" Simmons shouted.

"Try and take it then," Grif retorted, raising his own gun.

"Um, okay." Church glanced over his shoulder. "Sheila?"

"You bet." Behind Church, Sheila came rolling up the hill and pointed her turret at the Reds.

"Fuck!" Grif yelled. "You forgot about that too, didn't you?"

"Yeah, kinda," Simmons muttered.

"Now step away from the ship, tomato can," Sheila ordered.

"Ha ha, tomato can," Grif laughed.

"You too, lemon head," Sheila yelled.

"Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!" Grif snapped as the tank burst out into a warbling laughter.

* * *

**Well, looks like it's business as usual for the two teams.**


	2. Got your Back

**Episode 79 returns us to the stand-off.**

* * *

Chapter 2: Got your Back

While Sheila kept her cannon trained on the Red privates and Church kept his hand firmly on the side of the Pelican, the metallic noises started again.

"What the hell is that tapping noise?" Church asked curiously. "It sounds like Morris Code."

"Morse!" Simmons yelled.

"Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up," Church ordered the tank.

"Sounds like fun," Sheila giggled, swiveling her turret towards Simmons.

Church listened to the tapping for a while. "Well, what does it say?"

"It says 'tap tap tap', we don't know," Grif retorted.

"We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us," Simmons added.

"No," Church argued. "When I interrupted you, you were standing around doing _nothing_; just like the last fifty times I interrupted you." He then placed his head by the side of the ship. "Oh, wait, wait, wait, listen! Listen, it says… 'Red… sucks… balls!' Hey look, my new ship can talk, and it knows things." He patted the Pelican fondly. "That's a good ship."

"It's not your ship," Simmons snapped. "It's our ship. We called it and it came."

"I don't know," Church muttered, glancing over the outside of the ship. "I don't see any markings on it."

"It landed on Donut!" Simmons yelled.

"That was fantastic," Sheila laughed.

"How the heck would that mean- Oh wait, the pink guy?" Church cried out. "Oh, I actually liked him."

"Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?" Grif shouted.

"You can't have the ship," Simmons proclaimed.

"I'm not asking for it," Church retorted, folding his arms. "It's already mine, right Sheila?"

"Actually, I kind of like it," Sheila murmured, turning her turret to look at the Pelican. "I think it is mine."

Church whirled round to stare at the tank. "Hey are you okay?"

As Church and Sheila began to argue, Simmons turned to Grif and spoke quietly through a private Com-channel in his helmet, "I think there's something wrong with the tank."

"Yeah, I noticed," Grif hissed back.

"I've got an idea."

"Whoa, okay, hold on a second. Before you get too deep in to this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to our plans and that tank."

"Come on, Grif, I think the tank's malfunctioning."

"Well, only _one_ part of it has to function for me to get turned into a cloud of orange mist."

"Okay," Church comforted the tank. "Just be cool."

"I am cool," Sheila sulked. "You be cool."

Just then, Sarge returned in the Warthog Mk 2, disembarked and ran up to his team. "Bad news, fellas; I couldn't find that levitation ray, but I did find the remote control to-" He stopped talking when he spotted Church and Sheila. "Hey, what's going on out here?! Whaddaya think you're doing, you lousy Blue?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this spaceship," Church replied haughtily.

Quickly Sarge ran forward and placed a hand on the ship. "Dibs!"

"Too late," Grif and Simmons said at the same time.

"Dang, nabbit!" Sarge yelled, stamping his foot in the dust. "Why do I ever leave you two to guard anything? _Everybody_ knows about the International Dibs Protocol, and the No Takebacks Accord."

"See guys," Church chuckled. "This is our ship. And by ours, I mean mine and my…" He turned round to look at Sheila, just in time to see her drive away. "…eighty ton… friend…"

"Bye, everyone," Sheila called as she disappeared over the hill.

Church gulped and turned to grin sheepishly at the Reds. "Uh…"

At once, Sarge pointed his shotgun at him, and Grif and Simmons whipped out their assault rifles.

"I'm gonna be right back," Church said quickly and made a hasty retreat back to Blue Base.

"Hey Blue," Sarge called, placing his hand back on the Pelican. "You know that ship you called dibs on? Well I got next, hah! Now the ship is mine again!"

"Excellent strategy, Sir," Simmons cheered loyally.

"Jesus, remember when we used to solve problems with violence?" Grif sighed. "Ah, the good ol' days…"

At the Blue Base, Church made his way back down the passages until he came across the slumped form of his blue teammate. "Caboose, where's Doc?"

"Doc left," Caboose slurred. "He took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday he was born."

"Well, actually, that's because he was born today, like an hour ago."

"We need to cherish these times," Caboose moaned. "I wish I knew how to scrapbook."

Church then looked to the medical ward. "Where's Tucker."

"Still in a coma," Caboose replied.

"Great," Church sighed. "Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fucking amazed."

"I'm fine by the way," Caboose called weakly as Church ran outside again. "Don't worry about me…" He shivered. "I'm so cold."

Back in the canyon, Sarge turned to his two remaining Privates. "Quit yer yammering, let's see if we can get this thing moving. I was thinking about our discussion earlier and-"

"And you decided to use one of my ideas?" Simmons asked hopefully.

"Of course not!" Sarge bellowed. "I've got a new much more realistic plan for lifting the ship. If Donut is underneath, all we need to do is enrage him to the point where he can lift the ship and our work is done. Now quick, help me think. What would make Donut furious?"

"I don't know," Grif replied with a shrug. "Have you tried sharing your plan with him? That'd probably do it."

Sarge knelt down next to the ship. "Hey Donut, I was back at the base reading some of your _fashion mags_ – they said that pink is no longer the new black! Turns out black is the new black, and pink is the old black, which is now white! And it's after Labor Day; you know what that means…"

"Oh dear God," Grif groaned.

"Also we needed to do some minor rust repairs on the Warthog's drive train," Sarge continued. "The bad news is that the only lubricants I could find were your imported hand creams! The good news is, the jeep now smells of lilacs, rusty metal lilacs."

Grif slapped a hand on his visor. "This has got to be-"

"This doesn't seem to be working," Sarge sighed as he got to his feet. "Alright, time for Plan B."

"Right," Simmons said. "We'll break into the ship and see if we can raise it-"

"_No!_" Sarge cut in. "Plan B is to try to induce superpowers in Grif. Simmons, get my jar of radioactive spiders out of the Warthog. Come here, Grif, I need to borrow your neck."

But suddenly, just as Sarge stepped away from the ship, there was a loud creaking and the Pelican shifted slightly.

"Did you just hear that?" Grif cried out.

"Mayor of Burbank, Plan A is working!" Sarge cheered. "Quick Grif, get me a list of the latest celebrity break-ups! Simmons, help me out!"

His original plans forgotten, Simmons ran up next to Sarge and yelled, "Hey Donut, I hear they cancelled daytime television!"

"Hey, Donut!" Sarge then shouted. "Command called. They rejected your new definition for fire in the hole. They're gonna stick with the old one."

"Oh Donut," Simmons added. "I heard that the Winter Olympics is gonna focus even _more_ on snowboarding next time!"

"I can't take this," Grif muttered. "I'm gonna go watch some football."

As he made his way towards the Warthog and climbed into the driver's seat, he could hear Sarge call out, "Grif's been using your paisley thong as a slingshot!"

* * *

**Okay, I'm hearing too much about Donut that I already need to know.**


	3. Baby Steps

**We're now on Episode 80 and about to meet Tucker's child.**

* * *

Chapter 3: Baby Steps

Outside the Blue Base, Church kept looking round until he spotted Doc thirty feet away, kneeling next to something. At once, Church ran over to him.

"Hey, Doc, we got problems, man," he shouted as he arrived. "I need to call Command."

Doc got to his feet and turned round but he didn't reply.

"Hello? Earth to Doc," Church called. "I mean this place to Doc."

"Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?" Doc asked.

"What?"

Doc stepped to the side and Church got his first look at the alien baby. In terms of size, it only reached up to Church's knee, but it had the exact appearance as the alien Crunchbite except its armor was teal instead of blue. The little alien looked up and gave a high-pitched "Honk?"

"I don't," Church stuttered. "I c- I can't I don't, this is-"

"Take your time," Doc assured. "This is a big moment."

"Blarg!" the alien squeaked.

"I can't deal with this right now," Church sighed.

"Honk!"

"Shut up, you're disgusting," Church snapped before turning to the medic. "Doc, what is Vic's number?"

"What for?"

"For reinforcements," Church explained. "Wait, unless you've had like specialized combat training in the last ten minutes."

"Uh, nope," Doc replied.

"Then yeah, reinforcements."

"Well, I did just change a dirty diaper-"

"That doesn't count," Church cut in.

"I don't know, it was a real doozy…" Doc added in a whisper, "_Number two_."

"Doc, focus!" Church snapped. "Vic's number, what is it?"

"Come on, Church," Doc scoffed. "Everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?"

"Oh right, Vic's jingle," Church sighed.

Doc then started to sing: "If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click, clickclickclick, just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K!"

Church rolled his eyes as he dialed the number into his long-distance radio-phone. "You know, it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed, or if his name actually ended in a K."

"Oh, music is a great way to learn things," Doc giggled. "That's how I studied for the MCAT."

Church looked up at this. "You passed the MCAT?"

"Nah, not even close," Doc admitted. "But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song 'Miss Independence.' It teaches you all about the lymphatic system." He then started singing again, "Dum, d-dum, lymphatic system-"

"Hey shut up," Church hissed as he listened to the dialing tone in his helmet. "I'm on the phone."

"Honk!" the baby cried.

"And do me a favor," Church growled. "Kill that fucking thing, would you?"

After a short while, Vic Jr.'s voice called out, "Hey dude."

"Vic! Hey it's Church, I-"

"This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta."

"Hey Vic, this is Church, I need to-"

But he was interrupted by a female voice saying, "You have reached the voicemail system."

Church sighed in irritation. "Okay, okay, come on."

"To leave a message, just wait for the tone."

"I know how to leave a goddamned message!"

"When you are finished recording, just hang up, or press pound for more options."

"Really, hang up, no shit," Church muttered sarcastically. "I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voicemail."

"For delivery options, press five."

"Just give me the **damn beep!**"

"To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six."

"COME ON!"

"To repeat this message, press nine."

"I will _fucking stab you_, computer phone lady!"

Meanwhile at the ship, Sarge and Simmons had run out of ways to enrage Donut and Grif had come back from the Warthog, but the metallic noises had not stopped.

"That tapping is gonna drive _me_ insane," Grif grunted. "We either need to get Donut outta here, or find away to kill him."

"Donut, can you please stop tapping?" Simmons yelled. "We heard you. You're crushed and you're in mortal danger, we _get it_."

But the noises still didn't stop. "I can feel the tapping in my brain!" Grif screamed.

Sarge sighed and scratched the top of his helmet. "Well I have to admit, I'm stumped! I have no idea how to get him out."

"Jesus," Grif cried. "How long would it take him to starve to death? When was the last time he ate?" He turned to his leader. "Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self destruct mechanisms into our armor? Can't you just use Donut's?"

"No, sadly that's just you, Grif," Sarge replied regrettably. "Although I could activate yours if you'd like."

"How would _that_ help?"

"Well the situation _would_ be a little less annoying."

Simmons jumped at the opportunity. "You want me to get the activation code, Sir?"

"Nah," Sarge replied. "The activation code is just 'activation code.' Keep it simple."

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Simmons groaned.

Just then the metallic rapping got louder.

"Oh my God, is it getting louder?" Grif moaned, placing his hands on the sides of his helmet. "I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying."

At that very moment, Church was getting very annoyed with the voicemail voice. "To mark this message as urgent, press eleven."

"There _is_ no eleven, you **fucking **_**whore!**_" Church yelled.

"Ooh, language," Doc scolded, placing his hands over the baby's head.

Back at the ship, Sarge let out a despondent sigh. "Men, it pains me as your leader to say this, but I think we need to admit defeat. Years of experience on the battlefield and I've finally met my match. I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship: a ship full of enemies, maybe, but never just a ship itself!" He turned and gave a noble salute to the Pelican. "Bravo, ship. Brav-oh."

"Don't give up yet, Sir," Simmons protested. "I'm sure we could find a way to-"

"Ah, Simmons it's hopeless," Sarge cut in, turning to face his privates. "Let's start assigning duties for our retreat."

But while he was talking, there was another loud creak and a long door at the back of the ship began to lower. Simmons stared in amazement. "Uhh, Sir-"

"Simmons, you can pack up all the toiletries and remaining MREs," Sarge said. "But make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to tell them apart again."

"Sir, you really should turn around," Grif cut in.

"Sure," Sarge muttered. "And give the ship a chance to rub it in. No dice."

"Sir, the door's open," Simmons shouted, pointing over Sarge's shoulder. "That means we won. Another victory for the glorious Red Army!"

"What?" Sarge spun round to see the ramp leading out of the ship. "I mean of course it is! Looks like my plan worked! Chalk up another one in the win column for Sarge!"

Then a Spartan-II in bright yellow armor stepped out of the ship. "Hey, who's that guy?" Sarge cried out. "Let's shoot him."

* * *

**Oh, great welcome, Sarge.**


	4. Sibling Arrivalries

**A surprising new character is about to be introduced in Episode 81.**

* * *

Chapter 4: Sibling Arrivalries

Outside the Blue Base, Church was growing increasingly irritated by the calm voice of the voicemail lady. "To hear these options in Spanish, press dos."

"I HATE YOU!" Church roared.

Then finally the beep came and Church quickly recovered. "Vic, it's Church, I need you-"

"I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full," the voice said before the line went dead.

Church growled through gritted teeth and kicked at a small boulder, but only succeeding in stubbing his toes. "I'm gonna kill myself," he screamed. "I'm gonna kill myself!"

"Uh, what was that all about?" Doc asked.

"Doc, we are royally screwed," Church sighed, slumping down on the boulder. "Half our team is down and I think-"

"No it's not, look!" Doc pointed towards the Base. "Caboose is already back in action."

Church looked round to see Caboose staggering out of the Base. "I'm okay, I'm okay," he called out weakly then he fainted again. "I'm not okay…"

"He's fine," Doc reassured.

Church sighed and bowed his head. "Like I was saying, half the team is down and the other half that's left sucks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead."

"Honk!" the alien squeaked.

"Oh, right," Church grunted. "And I have to kill this fucking thing."

"Also I see a big ship," Caboose whimpered. "Now I know I'm hallucinating!"

"Oh, I forgot that part!" Church cried, getting to his feet again. "The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. It probably has a huge fucking weapon on it, like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armor sterile… Awesome."

"Hmmm," Doc murmured nervously. "Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict."

"Doc, I don't think the situation could get much worse," Church retorted. "I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. It could be a whole new squad, or a Freelancer, or-"

"Grif's sister?!" Simmons cried out in shock.

"Yeah," the yellow soldier replied kookily. "Isn't that cool?"

At the ship, the appearance of the new soldier had surprised the Reds greatly, especially Sarge who had been hoping for more. But the biggest surprise came when the soldier had run down the ramp and grabbed Grif in a big bear hug. When Simmons asked what was going on, the soldier had given the answer that had shocked him.

"You know, I always knew there was a genetic possibility that Grif would have blood relatives," Sarge muttered now. "But I always held on to the hope that he was the horrible by-product of an experiment on a turd manufacturing plant!"

Grif then pulled out of the hug and glared at his sister. "_Go home_."

"What?" she cried out.

"Go home, _right now_!" Grif repeated. "Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home!"

"Whatever," his sister snorted. "Make me."

Grif sighed and placed a hand over his visor. "As much as I don't wanna spoil my reputation as a do-nothing slacker, I will not hesitate to beat you senseless and drop you in that ship myself."

His sister's face fell. "I thought you would be happy to see me."

"How did you even get here?" Grif yelled. "We're in the future!"

"Hmm, I think I know how," Simmons interposed, turning to Grif's sister. "Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light drive?"

"Which one is the hippie drive?" she asked puzzled. "Is that the one with all the knobs or is it the other one with all the knobs?"

"Yeah, she probably came here just using the light drive," Simmons assumed. "And as Einstein theorized, in his theory of relativity-"

"English," Grif cut in.

Simmons sighed. "When you travel near the speed of light, time slows down for you. Essentially, she came forward in time by travelling at light speed."

"That's stupid," Grif scoffed.

"No, that's science," Simmons retorted. "Didn't you ever read the famous science fiction story where the astronaut watches his baby son being born, but _then_ he gets in a ship-"

"No."

"Well, did you ever read the one where-"

"No!"

"How 'bout-"

"I didn't read any of them!"

"Hey, who's the nerd?" Grif's sister hissed.

"Excuse me, I'm not a nerd," Simmons snapped. "My mom says there's nothing shameful about being smart."

"Alright, Missy," Sarge butted in, stepping in front of Grif's sister. "There's just one thing I don't get. How'd you join the Army?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I just signed up."

"But you're a… you know, you-you got lady parts."

"So?"

"So unless this is the cooking and sewing Army-"

"No, I went to join the _real_ Army."

"Does your gun shoot brownies?"

"What?"

"You'll have to excuse, Sarge," Simmons cut in. "He comes from the old school."

"Thanks," Grif's sister replied. "By the way, nobody says 'old school' anymore. **(Air-quote)** Actually, they told me I was too young. So I grabbed an extra suit of armor, and boosted a shuttle."

"Glad you learned _something_ from me," Grif said proudly.

"No, I'm just kidding," his sister chuckled, shattering Grif's pride. "I always wanted to do something like that."

"But why did you join the Army?" Grif asked. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

His sister sighed and bowed her head. "Well, you always looked after me when Mom ran away to join the circus."

"W-Wait a second, hold on," Simmons interrupted. "Your Mom is in the circus?" He then burst out laughing. "You know, at first I didn't like you, but you've made my insults forty-five percent more efficient by just saying one sentence."

"Was your Mom a flaming sword swallower?" Sarge asked out of curiosity. "We could use somebody to replace Donut."

"No," Grif's sister replied. "You know how circuses have a bearded lady, and a fat lady? Well, _my_ Mom plays both, because she's like _super_-talented."

"Oh… my… God," Simmons breathed. "Is it okay if I record everything you say?"

"Sure!" she replied dimly. "Anyway, Grif always looked after me, but when he went away, I didn't want to be alone."

"Okay, let me get this straight," Simmons said, putting the pieces together. "You felt scared, being alone, so you decided to join a war."

"She's a Grif alright," Sarge concluded.

Grif then had a realization. "Wait a minute; she was the one who was tapping!"

"Duh," Simmons said.

"Yeah," Grif's sister added. "I was wondering why you guys didn't answer."

"None of us know Morse Code," Simmons explained. "It's outdated."

"Don't you mean _old school?_" she chuckled.

"No, don't you get it?" Grif cut in. "If she was the one tapping, then… what happened to Donut?"

_Two hours earlier_

As Church ran back to his Base, Donut peeked out from behind the boulder. "A baby?" he called out, dashing out from cover. "Wait up, I wanna see!"

"Donut, get back here!" Sarge bellowed. "Wait for the ship!"

Donut stopped in the middle of the canyon and whirled round. "But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here," he called out. "It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!"

The next thing he knew, there was a loud whooshing noise, he felt something heavy hitting his head and suddenly he was falling through pitch darkness, screaming all the way.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

As he fell, he caught glimpses of rocky spires and glowing lights before hitting the ground with a great thud.

"Ow…" he groaned before blacking out.

* * *

**Well, it is a comfort to know Donut is still alive.**


	5. The Grif Reaper

**It's Episode 82 and a new surprise is in store for the Reds.**

* * *

Chapter 5: The Grif Reaper

At the Blue Base, Caboose managed to recover and Church quickly explained the problem they had. Then they went on the roof and Church handed Caboose his sniper rifle so that he could see the new recruit on the Red Team.

"See him there?" Church asked, pointing towards the ship. "Right there; the yellow one."

"The one next to Simmons, that's Grif," Caboose replied.

"The _other_ yellow one, dumbass," Church growled.

"Oh, that new yellow person," Caboose said, swinging the rifle around in every direction but one. "Oh yes of course, yes, uh… he looks very scary, yes and uh, I know that because I am looking right at him… right now, yes, he is yellow. This is very interesting…"

Church sighed and folded his arms. "You don't even see him, do you?"

"Yeah," Caboose admitted sheepishly. "And I don't even know how to use this thing."

"Oh man, this is no good." Church took the rifle back and peered through the scope. "Yellow armor… what does yellow armor mean? Is that like some kinda… special ops guy or… Man, this can't be good for us."

"What if it's a new gun?" Caboose added.

"What?" Church cried out. "Why am I even talking to you? It's a _person_ in yellow armor, we already established that!"

"Oh, now wait," Caboose muttered. "Maybe they got their own medic."

"A medic?" Church let out a sigh. "Caboose, we're not that lucky."

He glanced over the other side of the roof to see Doc playing with the alien baby.

"See, my suit is purple," Doc said slowly. "Can you say purple? Pur…"

"Honk," the alien squeaked.

"Pull."

"Honk!"

"Great!" Doc praised. "Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them."

Church sighed then he turned back to the matter at hand. "Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces, probably trained in knives or… ball-kicking or something."

Caboose scratched his chin in thought. "Maybe he's an alien."

Church raised an eyebrow. "An alien that looks just like the rest of us?"

"And that is the scariest kind of alien," Caboose replied.

Church sighed and slapped his hand over his visor. "Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this; they would understand the situation better."

Just then there was a loud groan from behind them, and Church and Caboose turned round to find Tucker come groggily up the ramp, his face a pale brown and his teal armor stained with blood and birth fluid. Letting out another groan, he leaned against a barrier and shook his head to clear it.

"Oh well, look who's awake," Church said happily.

"What the fuck… happened?" Tucker moaned.

"Oh well," Caboose replied. "Uh, as you may remember, uh you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-"

"Can I get the short version of this?" Tucker interrupted.

"Yeah," Church replied. "You got knocked up, you got knocked out."

"Oh right," Tucker muttered, patting his stomach. "I need to start working out, lose this baby weight."

"Yeah," Caboose replied. "You know, w-we should all start working out, you know, uh _especially some of us_."

"Yeah," Tucker agreed as he glanced at Church. "Some of us seem to have let themselves go more than others."

Church glared back at his teammates. "Are you guys talking about me?"

"We uh, didn't wanna say anything," Caboose murmured.

"Yeah," Tucker cut in, poking his leader in the stomach. "That's why we said something, fatty!"

"Hey, back off guys!" Church snapped, pushing Tucker away. "I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team."

"Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?" Tucker scoffed.

"He said it," Caboose winced.

"What're you guys doing up here anyway?" Tucker then asked before seeing the ship. "And what's _that_ huge thing?"

"That's Church," Caboose replied.

"HE MEANS THE _SHIP_, CABOOSE!" Church screamed.

"He said it," Caboose muttered again.

Church took a breath to calm down then explained, "The Reds called in a ship and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, _and_ a new soldier."

"Who, that girl?" Tucker asked.

Church did a double-take. "Wha-_Girl?_ That's a girl?"

"Duh," Tucker replied, pointing her out. "The yellow one, right? The one talking to Simmons?"

"Wow," Caboose breathed. "You have really good eyes."

"I have to," Tucker replied. "I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle."

Church looked at the yellow Spartan then back at Tucker. "You're positive that's a girl. How can you be sure?"

"Dude, look who you're talking to," Tucker answered as if it was obvious.

In the middle of the canyon, the Reds asked their new recruit, whom they've decided to call Sister, if there was anything else other than her on board the ship, but she replied that there wasn't so they set off back to their Base. As they walked, Sister started babbling away about how great it was that she joined the army.

"The cool thing is that _I_ was lucky enough to get sent _here!_" she cheered. "They said your Commander died and I needed to replace the missing man."

"What?" Sarge cried out, skidding to a halt. "Our Commander's not dead, _I'm_ our Commander!"

"And an excellent one at that, Sir," Simmons added.

"Thank you Simmons."

"Yeah, your Commander died," Sister replied. "And one of the troops is going to be promoted, and _I_ was sent to replace the missing troop!"

Simmons started at this. "Wait, w-what's this about a promotion?"

"Sounds like Command made some kinda mistake," Sarge murmured.

"I don't know, Sarge," Grif argued. "I thought you said Command never _makes_ mistakes. That must mean you're dead."

"Seriously, what was the promotion thing?" Simmons asked Sister. "I'm _sure_ I heard something about someone getting promoted."

"They said one of your troops would be promoted to replace your dead CO," Sister repeated.

"One like me?" Simmons cried. "A maroon one?"

"Hey, you're really scary," Sister muttered uncomfortably. "That's… kinda hot!"

Grif placed a hand on his leader's shoulder. "Sarge, I'm really sorry you died."

"Don't be stupid, Grif," Sarge snapped, slapping the hand away. "How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?"

"Well," Grif said thoughtfully. "If Command was wrong about you dying, Sarge, couldn't they be wrong about _other_ stuff too? Like… like what if the Blues don't suck?" He let out a gasp. "What if the Blues are awesome? This changes everything!"

Five minutes later, the Reds were standing in front of a large hole that Sarge had ordered his privates to dig up rather than admit that the Blues were great.

Simmons began the service. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects to Sarge."

"But I was so young, and violent!" Sarge sobbed.

"And that's what makes this so tragic," Grif agreed.

* * *

**Poor Sarge, he had so many things left undone…**


	6. In Memoriam

**Episode 83 returns us to Sarge's funeral, already in progress.**

* * *

Chapter 6: In Memoriam

At the Red Base, Simmons finished his opening statement for the funeral. "And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge."

He stepped aside and Grif came forward. "Hey everybody, it's great to be here," he beamed. "Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean besides 'Good riddance!' _HOOO!_"

"Yeah!" his sister cheered.

"But seriously," Grif continued. "Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too! ZING! Hahahaha, you know what I'm talking about!"

"Come on," Sarge yelled. "Is this a remembrance or a roast?"

"Quiet in the front row," Grif snapped. "And I'm not asking (and he's not tellin'), but I heard when Donut first came to the Base, Sarge spent a lot of time talkin' about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean. Hiyoooo!"

"Too soon!" Simmons shouted.

"This is the worst funeral I've ever had!" Sarge scowled. "You losers better step up the crying, pronto!"

"Oh don't worry Sir," Simmons reassured. "I've written a stirring speech that's sure to tug at everyone's heartstrings."

"Good to hear it," Sarge smiled. "Not get with the eulogizing!"

"On it, Sir," Simmons replied, running to the front.

Grif continued his jokes, "And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to fieldstrip Simmons'-"

"Okay, that's enough," Simmons interrupted. "I said five minutes, Grif."

"Bye everybody," Grif called to his audience. "I'll be appearing at the Laugh Cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free."

"Woohoo!" Sister cheered.

"_Not you!_"

"Aw!"

"Okay, whatever, get off." Simmons shooed Grif away before he spoke, "Hello everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend Sarge."

"Boo, you suck," Grif jeered.

"Grif, get off the stage!" Simmons snapped.

"Sorry," Grif muttered unapologetically as he joined Sarge and Sister.

"Okay, like I was saying," Simmons continued. "I'm here to say a few words about Sarge."

"Boooo, you suck!" Grif shouted again, before Simmons shut him up by throwing a rock at his head.

Simmons cleared his throat and continued, "As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader and he was a great inspiration to all his troops…"

Sarge gave a loud sniff. "Simmons was right, this is so emotional. Where's my hankie?"

"He was a man of honor, _discipline_ and character…"

"It's like he's saying what we're all thinking," Sarge blubbered.

"If he was saying what _I'm_ thinkin', he'd be yawning while he said it," Grif muttered, rubbing his bruised head.

Simmons continued his eulogy. "But perhaps his greatest accomplishment…"

"Tell it!" Sarge cheered.

"As a military man and a friend…"

"Preach on, preach on!"

"…Was developing _my_ considerable skills as a soldier and a leader."

Sarge was about to cheer again when he realized what Simmons had just said. "What?"

"As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap in our command structure, a gap that is best filled by Sarge's right hand man, a man that has a vision for the Red Team…"

"Sarge, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classy," Grif hissed.

"The Red Army is faced with a difficult choice, a choice of who will lead us to glorious victory. Let's hope they choose a great candidate, a candidate whose armor is actually a shade of red. Sarge would have wanted it that way. Choose Simmons. It's the only thing Sarge did in his life, so don't let his whole existence be in vain. In closing, somebody died, vote for me."

"Awesome speech!" Grif cheered.

"Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?" his sister hissed.

"Pretty much," Grif replied with a shrug. "Just run with it. It's the only thing that keeps you from going insane with boredom."

"Yeah," Sister agreed. "Or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine."

"Yeah," Grif chuckled then his face fell. "Wait, what?"

"Hey Sister, you're up," Simmons called.

"Awesome!" she shouted, dashing to the front.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again?" Grif called out. "I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky."

Simmons went over to Sarge who shook his head in disbelief. "You couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could ya?"

"Your death was in the past, Sarge," Simmons replied, "and we need to look to the future, a future filled with Simmons."

"Hey, everybody," Sister said. "Um, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was very old and that's gross."

Grif let out a snigger. "I wrote that line."

"Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once," Simmons scolded.

"Anyway," Sister continued. "When you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead too. And if they're not then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway… whatever, peace out." She stepped down with a two-finger salute.

"This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony," Sarge yelled. "Where's the flag folding? Where's the twenty-one gun salute?"

"Sir, the flag is an important part of our inventory," Simmons reminded him. "We can't just go around having impromptu folding because we _feel like it_."

"And _I_ was in charge of the twenty-one gun salute," Grif added. "Unfortunately we don't have twenty-one guns, so you'll have to settle for what I call the double-bun salute. It starts in just a few moments."

Sarge let out a defeated sigh. "I'll just get in my grave now."

"Yeah, maybe that's for the best, Sir," Simmons agreed, picking up one of the shovels.

Sarge stepped down into the hole and lay down. "Oh, come on, who dug this grave? It's not _nearly_ regulation."

Grif sighed as he grabbed the other shovel. "Simmons, let's cover his head first."

Simmons nodded and they set to work.

"Come on, you call that buryin'?" Sarge yelled as the dirt began to pile up around his body. "I've had Girl Scouts bury me better. Put yer backs into it."

"This might be a bad time to ask," Simmons called, flinging another shovelful of dirt into the hole, "but have you finished that letter of recommendation I asked for?"

"Step to it, men, bury faster!" Sage ordered. "I'm not getting any deader. Come on, double time you maggots!" He then felt something squirming underneath him. "Oh hey look, maggots! Maybe these guys know what they're doing."

"He's the chattiest corpse I've ever seen," Grif muttered.

"Work that shovel like a hoe," Sarge shouted. "Work that hoe like a shovel."

* * *

**Well, I was gonna say rest in peace, but knowing Sarge, that's highly inappropriate.**


	7. Strong Male Figure

**It's Episode 84 and… uh, I got nothing.**

* * *

Chapter 7: Strong Male Figure

At the Blue Base, Church quickly got Tucker up to date with all that had happened while he was unconscious and then he and Caboose took him to meet the alien child.

"So this is it, Tucker," Church said, nodding at the tiny creature. "This is your little monstrosity, your little abomination of nature."

Tucker stared at the alien for a while then he spoke. "Uh, what do I do?"

"Why are you asking me?" Church asked.

"I don't know how to be a dad," Tucker replied nervously. "This isn't the way I planned it."

"You _planned_ this?" Church cried out. "Tucker, I had no idea."

"No, no," Tucker quickly cut in. "I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship, you know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send checks to some woman I hate."

Behind them, Caboose let out a sniff. "It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my Mom."

"Alright look," Church said, stepping next to Caboose. "Let's leave these two alone and let them do a little bonding."

"Hey, don't leave me here with him," Tucker called. "What am I supposed to say?"

"Ask him if he likes baseball," Caboose replied.

"It's an alien baby, Caboose," Church sighed.

"Ask him if he likes T-ball."

"_Alien_, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence."

"Seriously, _don't go_," Tucker shouted. "I don't even know where to start."

Church sighed and turned to look at his teal teammate. "Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them and then impregnate them. So why don't you start with that? You know; common ground."

Tucker stared in silence. "Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball."

"Tell him about how his Dad got to third base with you," Caboose suggested.

"Caboose!" Church warned, pushing him away.

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Simmons finished burying Sarge in the grave and gently patted the soil with his shovel.

"So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?" Grif asked.

"Oxygen?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff."

"Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity."

Grif looked at the gravesite for a moment. "He's buried six feet underground. I don't think he's got much chance for activities."

"Well, I don't think you're an authority," Simmons retorted, putting the shovel down.

"Authority?" Grif cried out. "We didn't even use a coffin; we just threw a bunch of dirt on him."

"No, _I_ threw a bunch of dirt on him," Simmons corrected. "You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!"

Grif stared at his sister in amazement. "You _know_ that trick?"

"I learned for the best!" she giggled.

"Well, as your new Commander, you're both gonna learn a little discipline," Simmons replied with a scowl. "And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps."

"You mean after we dig up Sarge," Grif said.

"No," Simmons replied as he drew out Sarge's shotgun. "I mean, right now, Grif!"

"What are _girly_ laps?" Sister asked puzzled.

"Hey Simmons," Grif said. "I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun."

Simmons said nothing but just cocked the shotgun and pointed it at Grif's head.

"And I _really_ don't think he's gonna like you threatening me with it," Grif added nervously, backing away slowly. "Well okay, he might like that part."

"As the new leader, what I say goes," Simmons snapped. "So everyone needs to start running, right now!"

"But what about Sarge?"

"You heard what Command said, Sarge is dead. He died of, uh…" Simmons turned to Sister. "What did he die of?"

"Aspirin overdose," she replied.

"See, Sarge is dead of a-" Simmons stopped and stared at Sister again. "An Aspirin overdose, really?"

"I know!" she cried. "I didn't think it was possible. And trust me, I've tried."

"Yeah," Simmons muttered then his face fell. "Wait, what?"

"Simmons, don't be stupid!" Grif yelled. "He's not dead; he's just lying underground covered in dirt."

"If I say he's dead, he's dead!" Simmons shouted back. "I'm the leader, me! And being the leader means you have to make tough decisions, like just for talking back, you can't do girly laps."

Grif stared angrily at his teammate. "You've gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons."

"Ohoho, on the contrary," Simmons chortled. "I think I've gone blind with _very real power_."

"Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!" Sister shouted.

"Both of you shut up!" Simmons shouted. "_You're running_; I'm calling Red Command for confirmation."

Sister looked confused. "Why are you calling _Red_ Command?"

"For confirmation," Simmons yelled, losing his patience. "_Stop asking questions!_"

"You keep talking about them," Sister said. "Why don't you call _our_ guys?"

"Our guys?" Grif asked.

"Yeah, the Blue guys," she replied.

Simmons did a double-take. "Excuse me, the whazzawhat?"

"The Blue guys," Sister repeated. "The guys that sent me here, in the big ship."

Simmons turned slowly towards his teammate and glared at him accusingly. "Grif?"

"Uh, yeah," Grif muttered sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "This might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is… colorblind."

"WHAT?!" Simmons screamed.

"I don't get it," Sister said, baffled. "What's the grey guy so upset about?"

"But girls can't be colorblind!" Simmons cried.

"Yeah?" Sister retorted. "Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?"

"Yeah!" Grif concurred then his face fell a mile. "Wait, what!?

"I can't believe it," Simmons breathed in dismay. "With such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick, quick, get me a shovel! Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!"

"Hey, Simmons," Grif cried out. "If she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?"

At that moment, deep in the underground tunnels, Donut let out several loud groans before he got up and rubbed his head.

"Ohhhh, what happened?" he muttered, glancing around in the darkness. "Where am I?" Then he spotted two bodies lying some distance away. "Oh, maybe they know. But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while." He sat down on a rock and whistled while he waited, little knowing that the two bodies would not be waking up…

* * *

**So in other words, he'll be waiting a loooooooong time.**


	8. Yellow Fever

**We return now to the rattled Reds in Episode 85.**

* * *

Chapter 8: Yellow Fever

At the Red Base, Simmons paced around Sister in horrified dismay. "Oh my God, what's wrong with you?" he yelled. "Why didn't you tell us you were on the Blue Team? And don't say 'because nobody asked.'"

"But nobody _did_ ask," Sister replied.

"God dammit!" Simmons scowled, stamping his foot in the dust.

"So what if she is a Blue?" Grif asked with a shrug. "We can still keep her."

"We can't do that," Simmons said. "She's on the other team. She'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her."

"Do I get to do that?" Sister asked hopefully. "That would be _awesome!_"

"No she wouldn't," Grif reassured. "Besides she's colorblind. We'll just tell her we're Blues."

"Uh, hello?" Simmons snapped. "We already told her we're Red, idiot."

"Yeah, well she's fucking dumb too." Grif turned to his sister. "Hey, we're Blue now."

"Woohoo, go Blue, let's win!" Sister cheered.

Grif turned back to Simmons with a smile. "See?"

"Oh please," Simmons sighed. "She'll figure it out."

"No she won't," Grif insisted. "In high school she got kicked off of the cheerleading squad three times for rooting for the wrong team."

"No, she can't stay." Simmons then snapped his fingers. "I know, we'll tell the Blues that we took her prisoner; maybe we can get something _outta_ this mess."

"No way! We can't send her over _there_, they'll kill her!"

"Why would they kill her, Grif? She's Blue. It's not like the Blue Team goes around killing its own members."

"Oh, right, because she's a Blue. And if she's over there, then the only people that would be trying to kill her would be us."

"Exactly."

"And that means she'd be safe, because we're like the shittiest team ever."

"Well, I don't know about that," Simmons murmured, rubbing his chin in thought. 'As our new leader, I have some pretty bold plans to-"

"But you're not the leader," Grif interrupted. "It was a misunderstanding. You're the guy who _buried_ our leader."

"You helped!" Simmons retorted. "We're in this together."

"No, I made digging noises with my mouth, remember?" Grif reminded him.

"Oh God, get me a shovel!" Simmons yelled, running round the back of the Base.

"Yeah, um…" Grif waited until Simmons was out of earshot then he turned to his sister. "Okay, you're a Blue."

"Touchdown!" she yelled. "Woohoo, go Blue!"

"No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue," Grif groaned. "That means you've gotta get outta here before Simmons digs up Sarge."

"I _love_ digging," Sister cheered as she stepped forward. "I want to help."

"No," Grif yelled, grabbing her and turning her round. "You're leaving!"

"Where are we going?"

"To the other Base."

"The Red Base?"

"No, the Blue Base."

"We have two Bases?" Sister gasped. "Awesome!"

"Move!" Grif shouted, pushing her into the canyon.

At the Blue Base, Caboose had gone inside for his daily nap and Church stood on a hill nearby keeping an eye out for trouble.

Just then, Tucker approached. "Hey have you seen Doc? I need him to babysit for a while."

"Yeah, I got him talking to Sheila," Church replied. "She's been acting real wacky lately."

"Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your _average_ talking tank?"

"Don't be snarky."

"Sorry, dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!"

"Yeah," Church sighed. "Sheila's been acting kind of distant and weird, plus she's been saying these random threatening things. It kind of reminds of somebody else."

"So why is _Doc_ talking to her?" Tucker asked, scratching the top of his helmet.

"What, you didn't hear the 'threatening' part I just said? I'm not going over there."

"Why not send Caboose?" Tucker suggested. "Aren't they like in love or something?"

Church groaned at the idea. "Dude, I've had all the cross-species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a hundred and thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil-spawn is enough for me."

"Don't talk about my kid like that!" Tucker snapped.

"What's _your_ deal?" Church cried, alarmed at his teammate's reaction.

"I don't know," Tucker muttered, rubbing the back of his head in shame. "I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day." He gave a shudder.

"Of course you are," Church chuckled, patting his teammate's shoulder. "That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for Dad of the Year."

"Don't judge me," Tucker murmured.

"Anyway," Church got back on topic. "Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and give her a tune-up."

"But Doc's not a mechanic," Tucker reminded him. "He's a doctor, and not a doctor, a _medic_. I guess he's not really a medic either because he's never really helped anyone. He's just some _annoying_ guy that we know with purple armor, who's annoying… Point is Doc's not a mechanic."

"I know," Church admitted, peering through the scope of his sniper rifle at Doc and Sheila. "I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable and then I can go down there and figure out what's _really_ going on. Either way, I win… Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good."

At that moment, Doc was still working on some way that he could calm Sheila down. "Yeah, maybe Yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all," he chuckled nervously. "Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter… out through the manifold… in through the air filter… out through the manifold…"

Sheila just raised her turret and pointed it right at Doc's head.

"Uh, okay," Doc gulped, backing out of range. "Why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry… that isn't me."

"Sure," Sheila grunted and she swiveled her turret around until it was pointed right at Church.

On the hill, Church gulped and ducked back. "Uh, yeah… I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to."

"Hey Blues!"

Church whirled round to find Grif and Sister standing in the middle of the canyon, just in front of the Pelican. "Aw crap, here we go. They must have figured out how fucked up our team is right now… Oh shit, they even brought their new guy-"

"Girl," Tucker corrected.

"_Whatever!_" Church yelled. "Just play along. Act like our team is okay, and we have everything under control."

"Please," Tucker scoffed. "I've been putting on _that_ act for like three years now."

Church nodded then turned to Grif and yelled, "What do you want, Red?"

"I got a prisoner for you!" Grif called back.

"What did he say?" Church asked.

"He says he has a prisoner for us," Tucker replied helpfully.

"Oh what, they're _giving_ us prisoners now?" Church cried. "Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap."

"Reds aren't that smart," Tucker reminded him.

"Okay, normally I would agree with that," Church replied. "But this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me."

"Like you? Shit," Tucker gasped. "Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?"

"Up yours, dickhead," Church snapped before scratching his head in puzzlement. "Why would they wanna give us one of our guys?"

"Why are you asking me?" Tucker asked.

"Oh right," Church realized then he yelled out, "Why are you giving us one of your guys as a prisoner?"

"She's one of _your_ guys! She came to our side by mistake!" Grif shook his head in disbelief. "What's their deal, why aren't they going for this? We have to hurry. I gotta get back before Simmons digs up Sarge."

"I don't buy this," Church murmured before shouting, "What do you want for her?"

"Um, nothing," Grif replied. "I-It was an honest mistake, uh… you can have her back now, no harm no foul. Well, look can we hurry this up?"

"Yeah, this is bullshit," Church decided.

"Ask for something else," Tucker suggested.

Church nodded then yelled, "Uh, we want something else!"

"_What?_" Grif screamed. "I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate _up_ from there!"

"Got any money?" Tucker shouted.

"_Fuck you, dude!_" Grif yelled then he turned to his sister. "Get going, call me if you have any problems, and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of Mom."

"Don't do me any favors, bitch," Sister snapped, running off towards the Blue Base.

"What else was on the ship?" Church called.

"What do you mean?" Grif shouted.

"Yeah, like guns or weapons…"

"Or snacks," Tucker added then he noticed his leader's look. "Dude, I'm just asking because I know you wanted to."

"Nope, just the girl," Grif replied. "Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!"

"That's okay," Tucker yelled. "We can still fuck this one!"

"Woohoo!" Sister cheered as she joined the Blues.

"God dammit!" Grif swore. "Never mind, just send her back!"

"No take backs!" Church yelled.

"Aw, what the fuck?" Grif snapped.

Just then, Simmons came running up behind him, a look of shock on his face. "Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!"

"Who's gone?" Grif asked.

"Sarge, he's missing!" Simmons cried. "I dug up his grave and he's not in there!"

"What?" Grif gasped. "Did you dig in the right spot?"

"Oh, you're right," Simmons growled with sarcasm as thick as molasses. "Maybe I dug up one of the _other_ fresh graves that we just made. I didn't _fucking THINK of that!_"

"Oh, calm down," Grif replied soothingly.

"Don't tell me to be calm; we're down two men now!" Simmons let out a sigh. "At least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage." He then realized something. "Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?"

"Uhhh, nothing," Grif muttered. "So, that uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy."

Simmons then looked towards the Blue Base. "Hey is that your sister over there with the Blues? What's she doing over _there?_"

Grif gulped and backed away before setting off in a sprint as Simmons kept talking. "Why are they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Whoa, they're really tossing her high in the air, huh Grif? Grif? Hey, where'd he go?"

* * *

**Boy, things are getting a lot better for the Reds, aren't they?**


	9. Brass Tacks

**Now we have a moment of calm for Episode 86.**

* * *

Chapter 9: Brass Tacks

At the Blue Base, Church gave his new team member Sister the complete introductions.

"Well, uh welcome to Blue Team," he started. "I guess we should probably give you some kind of… orientation or something like that."

He then led Sister towards the building. "So this is, uh, this is the _base_ here. This is the outside of the base… Inside's on the inside… You go through that door right there to get to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here and there's another one on the other side. It's kind of smaller but it does the same thing though. Uh, it's got a basement… um, there's a middle part and there's a top part… It's got some, you know blue flags here, on the outside… It comes in handy when you're, you know trying to identify the color of the base; it's blue. Anyway, that uh pretty much covers the base so… anyway, yeah that's it."

"Cool," Sister replied.

"I'm Church, I'm the leader," he then said. "Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the Blue Team is: Don't kill the leader. That's me."

"That's it?" Sister asked.

"That's it," Church replied.

"Sounds easy," she said with a shrug.

"Yeah, well," Church murmured, rubbing the back of his head. "We're still waiting for someone to follow that rule… So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?"

"Training?" Sister asked puzzled.

"Yeah, what you've been told so far."

"Oh right," Sister replied. "That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you… ever. Did I pass?"

"No," Church sighed. "I mean, like what kind of _military_ training do you have. Weapons?"

"Uh, those sound violent."

"Operations?"

"I don't even know how that works."

"Communications?"

"Say _what_?"

"Intelligence?"

"Huh?"

Church let out a groan. "Great…"

"Yeah, sorry," Sister muttered. "It doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need… unless you wanna see my ping pong ball trick."

"Yeah," Church sighed then his face fell. "Wait, what?"

In the canyon, Simmons and Grif ran back to their Base as fast as they could respectively go.

"Slow down!" Grif panted, lagging behind as usual.

"There's no time, Sarge is gone!" Simmons yelled over his shoulder. "I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge, and then finally I dug deep enough and I found another hole."

"You dug a hole, and found a hole," Grif repeated. "Isn't that what a hole is?"

"No, no, no, I mean a hole at the _bottom_," Simmons added. "It opened into some kind of big cavern."

Grif screeched to a halt. "A cavern? A cavern… like a cave? Like a cave with _bats?_"

"I don't know," Simmons replied with a shrug. "Why, are you afraid of bats or something?"

"Afraid of bats, no," Grif stammered nervously. "Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even _ask_ that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason."

"I didn't see any bats, okay?" Simmons reassured.

"Did you _hear_ any bats?"

"No."

"Did you _smell_ any bats?"

"I don't know what bats smell like!"

"And let's hope you never find out." Grif then glanced up at the sky. "Is it getting dark? We should get inside."

"It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole," Simmons snapped.

**(AN: Dear readers, for those of you who don't how it's possible that there's a planet where the sun doesn't set… neither do I. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, I am one of you. And now back to the story…)**

Back at the Blue Base, Church now decided to introduce Sister to the rest of the team. He started with Tucker who he found by the canyon wall tossing a small rock over to his little alien baby that he'd named Junior.

"And this, is Tucker," Church said to Sister as they arrived.

"Sup," Tucker called, giving her a two-fingered salute.

"Hey," Sister muttered shyly.

"Tucker's job is to do… what, I guess nothing," Church continued.

"I'm just chilling," Tucker said. "That's the only rule on Blue Team, rookie: Be cool."

"I thought the only rule was 'don't kill the leader'," Sister stated.

"Yeah, but we break that rule all the time," Tucker replied with a shrug. "That's what makes us so cool."

"Awesome," Sister cheered. "On the Red Team, we make that rule-"

"Blarg, blarg, blarg," Junior squeaked as he approached Tucker, arms outstretched.

"Oh cool," Sister cried. "You have a dog?"

"Uh, that's not a dog, that's my kid," Tucker scowled, kneeling down to pick up his child.

"Oh, _cool_," Sister breathed. "You have a kid that looks like a dog?"

"Nice save," Church chuckled. Then he spotted Caboose coming out of the Base, yawning and stretching. "Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you." He ran towards the Base, calling, "Hey Caboose, come here!"

"I thought about having a kid once," Sister told Tucker.

"Oh really?" Tucker asked intrigued, rubbing his fingers over Junior's head. "It's a lot of work."

"Yeah, it seems like it would be hard," Sister agreed. "But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?"

"Yeah," Tucker chuckled then his face fell. "Wait, what?"

Just then, Church returned with his dim blue teammate in tow. "Alright, _this_ is Caboose," he told Sister. "He can tell you _everything_ you'd possibly need to know about Blue Base."

Caboose looked nervous. "Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?"

"Caboose, what did I tell you?" Church scolded.

"That there are no regular girls," Caboose recited from memory.

"Exactly," Church replied then he turned to Sister. "Alright, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and just don't bother me, or Tucker."

"What do I tell her?" Caboose asked.

"Well, I already know the rule," Sister replied.

"I hate that stupid rule," Caboose scowled.

"Go show her Doc and Sheila," Tucker suggested.

Caboose nodded and turned to look at where the tank and the medic were. "The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila."

Church let his shoulders sag in dismay. "You know, I was really wishing that would take longer, and further away."

Sister then glanced up at something over his shoulders. "Who's the black one?"

"The black one?" Church asked.

"Yeah, the one in black armor?" Sister replied, pointing behind him. "The one standing _right behind you guys?_"

"The black one, yeah," Caboose muttered then five seconds later, his face fell. "Wait, what?"

* * *

**Oh yeah, bitches, guess who's back!**


	10. The Nesting Theory

**As Tex makes her return to the series, Episode 87 is where the intrigue starts.**

* * *

Chapter 10: The Nesting Theory

At the Red Base, Simmons led Grif over to the gravesite where they buried Sarge, and Grif knelt by the hole and looked down into the darkness. "Yep, that's a hole alright."

"That's what I told you!" Simmons yelled.

"Huh," Grif murmured. "And Sarge's body is gone."

"Right," Simmons replied. "I think it fell through that hole into the cavern."

"Maybe he just disappeared," Grif reasoned, getting to his feet. "Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats; that would be interfering with God's divine plan."

Simmons let out a sigh. "Okay, A, Sarge wasn't dead; B, decomposing takes months, not minutes; C, his armor would still be here; and D, shut up, you're going down there, NOW!"

"Why?" Grif asked with a shrug. "What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us that we suck; we'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you that you suck."

"Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!" Simmons yelled.

"You suck, Simmons!" Grif told his teammate then he chuckled, "Oho, man, this new system's already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago."

Simmons placed his hand over his visor. "Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge, now it's four on two." He nervously glanced towards the other side of the canyon. "The Blues are probably gearing up for an enormous battle _right now_. At any moment, they're gonna come over that hill, guns blazing yelling 'CHAAAARGE!'"

At that very moment, at the Blue Base, the Blues were facing an enormous battle, guns were blazing, and as for the yelling…

"RETREAT!" Church screamed.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Tucker yelled as they ran for their lives.

"Take bar take bar take bar take bar!" Caboose yelped as bullets whizzed over their heads.

"Who is that?" Sister cried as they fled for the Base.

"That's Tex," Tucker replied in panic, clutching Junior close to him.

"Whoa, he's a badass," Sister giggled. "He's kinda hot."

"OW!" Caboose yelped as a bullet hit him right on the butt.

"Tex isn't a guy, she's a girl," Tucker corrected as they ducked into the Base and hid behind the doors.

"Oh, sorry," Sister replied. "_She's_ a badass. She's kinda hot."

"She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend," Tucker added.

"Oh yeah?" Sister asked, looking at her leader. "Why aren't you guys dating anymore?"

Church stared at her in shock. "Are you seriously asking that question right now?"

Caboose winced and rubbed his wounded bottom. "Last time I was shot, I got a Purple Heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a Purple Lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person, and we will be best friends."

"Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain," Tucker teased.

"You're just jealous because you have no friends," Caboose retorted with a scowl.

Tucker gasped as he felt the bullets riddling on the door that he, Junior and Caboose were hiding behind. "Why is she shooting at us?"

"How do _I_ know?" Church cried. "And why are you acting like this is unusual?"

"Well, go out there and tell her to stop," Tucker ordered.

"Yeah, I'll get right on that," Church mumbled nervously.

"Uh, aren't you like the leader or something?" Sister asked puzzled.

"Uh…" Church thought quickly. "Yes, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our Field Negotiator."

"Awesome!" Sister cheered.

"Yes, congratulations, we're very proud of you," Church replied hastily. "Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us."

"Cool." Sister then stood up and stepped outside, right into the line of fire. "Hey Tex!" she yelled. "Stop shooting, you stupid _bitch!_" At once, the bullets stopped coming.

"Nice negotiating," Tucker sighed as Sister went back inside.

"She's not firing," Church noted. "I think that actually worked. Maybe she's outta ammo. Let me check."

Cautiously, Church peeked around the door… and was immediately shot in the head.

"Nope, she still has ammo," his ghost sighed as his body slumped to the floor.

"_Nice_ recon work," Tucker groaned.

"I'm gonna go get my body back," Church decided, kneeling beside his robot body.

"Yeah, good idea," Tucker agreed.

Meanwhile, in the caverns beneath Blood Gulch, Grif and Simmons were making their way down to search for Sarge.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH !" Grif's long scream was eventually cut off as he crashed on his face into the ground. "OOF!"

Behind him, Simmons also fell and landed as gracefully as a cat. "Tada!"

"Ugh, you didn't have to push," Grif scowled as he got to his feet.

"Yeah, I didn't _have_ to," Simmons laughed, "but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper… This guy!" he finished as he pointed at himself.

Back on the surface in Blue Base, Church repossessed his body and checked himself over. "Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?"

"Dude, I don't even know what that means," Tucker muttered.

Just then, the doors were kicked open and the Blues whirled round to see Tex standing in the doorway, assault rifle in her hands. "Freeze!" she yelled. "Nobody move!"

"We're already not moving," Tucker retorted. "You could have just said 'everyone keep doing what you're not doing.'"

Tex fired a shot at Tucker's feet. "Shut up!"

"Whatever," Tucker gulped nervously.

"Tex, what is your problem?" Church cried out.

"My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore," Tex growled. "He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anybody, until I find out who."

"Yeah, we already know that," Church replied. "We're on top of the situation."

"You are?" Tex gasped, lowering her gun in amazement. "Then who did O'Malley jump into?"

"Oh," Church murmured sheepishly. "Yeah, I meant… I meant we were on top of the situation right up _until_ that point."

"Typical," Tex muttered, rolling her eyes knowingly.

"Who's O'Malley?" Sister hissed at Tucker.

"Oh, it's just some computer program that wants to destroy the Universe," Tucker replied with a shrug. "He infects people around here from time to time, but eh, it's no big deal."

"Sounds scary," Sister murmured nervously.

"Naw, it's all good, baby," Tucker reassured, placing an arm over her shoulders. "I'll protect you."

"Yeah, that's what the last guy said," Sister retorted. "And now I can't stop scratching."

"Okay, never mind," Tucker gulped as he moved his arm away.

"None of us are infected, Tex," Church explained. "But I am a little worried about the tank. She's been acting really weird lately. Can an AI implant in a- Tex?"

But Tex didn't hear him as she stared at Sister. "Who's the girl?"

"What?" Church asked. "Who, Sister? Oh she's just a new recruit."

Tex's head whipped round and she glared at him. "You mean to tell me I'm only gone a _few weeks_, and you guys get yourselves a new girl?!"

"Oh, um…" Church gulped nervously.

"Whoa," Tucker murmured, backing slowly away. "Tread lightly, dude, tread lightly."

Caboose let out a whimper. "You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now."

* * *

**Oh ho ho, you guys are in for it now.**


	11. Spelunked

**Down into the darkness we go for Episode 89.**

* * *

Chapter 11: Spelunked

In the caves deep beneath Blood Gulch, Sarge was coming to, completely unsure of where he was.

"Ohhh, what in the…?" he groaned as he sat up and struggled to recall what had happened. He remembered his funeral and yelling at his privates while he was buried then he remembered falling through space and then nothing… and now he was aching all over and in complete darkness. "Stupid Grif and Simmons; can't even dig a regulation grave! What did we run all those drills for?"

Slowly he got to his feet and looked around the cavern. "So, this is the afterlife, huh? Not too impressive if you ask me…" He kicked aside a stone and watched it bounce off the tip of a stalactite. "This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here anyway? I need to get me a couple of Marine angels, they'll get this place spic and span in _no_ time."

As he set off through the dimly lit tunnels, a thought struck his mind. "You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible, not even that _new_ Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut."

His chuckles suddenly faded as another thought hit him. "Wait a minute… Afterlife!? Underground cave!? What if this isn't Heaven? What if it's…?" He gasped in horror. "No, it couldn't be; could it?"

"Oh hey Sarge," a voice called out then. "What are you doing down here?"

Sarge whirled round and spotted Donut peeking round from behind a boulder. "_It is!_" he yelled out. "Oh, it is…"

On the surface, at the Blue Base, Tex had taken Sister aside to have a quick discussion while Church, Tucker and Caboose watched from the top of a hill.

"Oh man," Church sighed. "This is not gonna work out well for us."

"Dude, are you kidding?" Tucker cried. "We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means?"

"Yeah, co-ed softball team," Caboose cheered. "I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet!"

As Caboose ran off towards the Base, Church glared at his teal teammate. "Tucker, I know what you're thinking and it's not gonna happen."

"Oh, why not?" Tucker whinged.

"Because girls can't share anything, not even an apartment," Church replied. "Every time girls live together, within six months, they all hate each other and somebody gets stuck with a twelve hundred dollar phone bill. That's fact."

"Ah, let them fight," Tucker muttered dismissively. "As long as we get to watch them making up, who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds."

Back in the caves, Sarge went down on his knees and raised his hands in penitent prayer. "Ooohhh, moooan, noooo!"

Donut meanwhile was still babbling about all he'd been through. "It's been crazy down here, Sarge! You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found."

"Sorrowful sounds," Sarge groaned. "Pleas for forgiveness, I have sinned."

"Sarge, keep it down," Donut hissed. "We don't want them to hear you."

"Donut, don't interrupt my repentful moaning," Sarge snapped. "If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff."

"This isn't Hell, Sarge!" Donut retorted. "And you're not dead."

"Repent!" Sarge called to the cave roof. "Repent!"

Donut placed his hand over Sarge's helmet filter. "Come on, Sarge, be quiet." He waited until Sarge's muffled moans faded then took his hand away. "I've been exploring down here and I've found some _really crazy stuff_. Look!"

Sarge followed Donut's pointed finger until he saw a large building adorned with blue banners. "Why, that fort looks like a Blue Base," he said, standing back up. "And just when I thought Hell couldn't get any worse."

"Yeah, but look at _that_." Donut pointed to a large blue vehicle parked next to the building.

"What in the Hell is _that_ thing?" Sarge asked.

"I don't know," Donut admitted. "But it sure _looks_ a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs."

Sarge stared angrily at the pink private. "Donut, why didn't you report this?"

"I _couldn't_," Donut yelled back. "My radio broke when I fell."

Just then, the radio in Sarge's helmet switched on and a voice called out to him. "Come in, Sarge. Are you there?"

Sarge switched on his radio. "Hello, is that you, Simmons?"

"No, I'm Donut," the pink private said puzzled. "Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?"

"Shut up, Donut," Sarge snapped.

"Uh, okay?" Donut murmured.

"Sarge, we're down in the cave with you," Simmons said. "Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay."

"Fine," Sarge grunted. "What's your location?"

"I'm standing right here next to you!" Donut shouted.

"Shut up!" Sarge yelled.

"We're looking for you right now," Simmons explained. "This place is huge! Grif is with me, and we're up on top of some kind of peninsular outcropping."

Sarge grimaced in disgust. "Ew, you're on top of Grif's what?"

"Grif isn't anywhere around here," Donut cut in.

"Donut, I told you to be quiet!" Sarge bellowed.

"Well, stop asking me stuff then," Donut retorted.

"No," Simmons corrected. "We're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you."

"Roger that," Sarge reported. "I've got Donut. You sit tight and we'll find you."

"Roger that," Simmons confirmed. "Simmons out."

"Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?" Grif's voice cut in.

Sarge got off the radio and turned to Donut. "I just talked to Simmons on the radio."

"Ohhhhhh, the radio," Donut realized with slight embarrassment.

"I told them to hold still," Sarge continued. "We'll come to them."

"Sarge, I don't think you realize just how _big_ this place is." Donut held his arms out to show the size of the caves. "There are no landmarks or _anything_, just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack."

Sarge tried to recall Simmons' message. "He said they were standing on some kind of a penis nu-"

"Oh, I know where _that_ is," Donut cried out, setting off into the caves. "Let's go!"

* * *

**One question on this: did Simmons really have to pronounce that way? That sounds dirty.**


	12. The Haystack

**We now continue the Reds' spelunking with Episode 89.**

* * *

Chapter 12: The Haystack

On the peninsula overlooking the caves, Simmons kept an eye out for Sarge and Donut, but Grif was starting at every echoing noise.

"I heard something that time," he whimpered.

"You _didn't hear_ anything," Simmons scowled.

Just then, a loud _drip_ rang out and Grif jumped in alarm. "There, did you hear that?"

"Yes," Simmons growled. "I heard water dripping."

"It sounds like bats!" Grif wailed.

"Bats aren't made of liquid," Simmons snapped. "_Bats don't drip!_"

"Bat-water!"

"There are no bats!"

"You don't know," Grif yelped. "What if you're wrong?"

Simmons let out a sigh. "Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there _are_ bats, so what?" He poked a finger on Grif's chest plate. "You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body-armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five-ounce flying rodent possibly do?"

Grif looked at his teammate in silence. "So basically you're saying that you think there's bats?"

Simmons groaned and slapped his hand on his visor. "Sure, why not?"

"I'm getting the fuck outta here," Grif cried out as he turned to go.

"No you're not, Grif," Simmons yelled, grabbing his teammate's shoulder. "We're staying right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move and _we're not moving_."

Grif looked around and spotted a lamp built into a nearby wall. "At least let's go stand by the light."

"No," Simmons retorted. "That would be moving and thus would violate our strict 'no moving' policy."

"But the light-"

"No."

"-would help us see the bats."

"NO."

"And their fangs!"

"_NO!_"

A smile then crossed Grif's face. "Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes."

Simmons started at this. "You're an asshole, Grif," he yelled, a slight note of fear in his voice. "Why would you bring up snakes?"

"I'm just saying," Grif replied with a shrug. "I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are _in_ a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people _in_ caves, and then they-"

"Alright, screw it," Simmons interrupted, running towards the lamp. "I'm gonna go stand by the light."

Grif sniggered to himself as he followed Simmons.

At the Blue Base on the surface, Doc left Sheila and made his way over to the other guys in the hill. "Okay, I talked to Sheila," he explained. "You guys were right, she definitely seems a little odd."

"Yup," Church agreed. "So what do ya think?"

"I uh, think she seems like something is wrong," Doc muttered.

"That's your diagnosis?" Church cried out. "That's why we sent you down there, man, because we knew something was wrong."

"I'm a medic," Doc reminded him. "What do you want from me?"

"How about fixing her?" Church suggested impatiently.

"Well, surprisingly my medical training didn't cover internal combustion," Doc replied.

"What a shitty medical school," Church groaned.

"Yeah, Tucker agreed. "Where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?"

"Oh please," Doc snorted. "I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! Who's Jamaica State's Fighting Irish?"

"That's Notre Dame," Church sighed.

"Well," Doc continued. "Since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent US copyright laws, so-"

"Never mind," Church interrupted. "Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila."

Doc raised an eyebrow. "Reboot her?"

"Yeah dude," Tucker replied. "That's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off and then you turn her back on again. She'll be fine."

"I don't think that'll work," Doc murmured.

"Uh, pardon me, it works great," Church protested. "We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter…"

"Yeah," Tucker muttered with a shudder. "I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs worked out."

"We even rebooted Caboose's armor once," Church finished. "Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would."

"It was dark and I got to hold my breath," Caboose added. "I'm pretty sure there were no side-effects."

"No," Doc interjected. "I mean I don't think it'll work because I'm not going back down there. She's not exactly in the best of moods."

As if to prove his point, Sheila fired a round which hit the hill next to the one they were standing on. "See?"

"Yeah," Church agreed nervously. "We need to get someone sneaky down there who can turn her off."

"How about Tucker?" Doc suggested.

"Who, me?" Tucker cried. "No way, I'm a lover, not a sneaker."

"Oh, that's your response to everything," Doc scowled.

"What can I tell you?" Tucker replied with a shrug. "I'm a lover, not a thinker. How about Tex?"

"Yeah, we couldn't _afford_ it," Church sighed. "If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kinda dumb, so that we could fool them into betraying that trust, for our purposes…"

Church and Tucker stared at each other then they turned as one towards Caboose.

"Hey, everyone is looking at me," Caboose murmured then he smiled. "I love it when they do that. Hi, everybody!"

Deep underground, Donut led Sarge over to the place where he woke up.

"See?" he said, pointing to the motionless forms lying nearby. "And these are the two bodies I was telling you about. At first I thought they were sleeping, but then I realized they were _dead_."

Sarge stared grimly at the bodies. In the faint light he could see that they were colored black and cobalt blue respectively. "Blues never sleep," he scowled. "They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that 'scheniving'."

"And you know what else?" Donut added. "You can also tell they're Blue because of their blue armor."

"Yeah, that too," Sarge chuckled, glancing around the grimy grotto. "You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal, but it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can really spruce up the place and make it feel like home."

"Yeah," Donut agreed. "We could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs, oh this place will be fan_tastic_!"

Behind them, a shadowy figure peeked out from behind a stalagmite and growled slightly. Then it ducked back seconds before Sarge turned round to look.

"Everything okay, Sarge?" Donut asked.

"What? Oh, yeah," Sarge muttered as he looked back. "It's just that I can't shake this feeling, the feeling that we're being _watched_- HA, GOT YA!" He jumped round to face the rock but saw nothing. "Aw, son of a-"

"Um that was pretty dramatic," Donut said concerned.

"Yeah," Sarge sighed as he turned round again. "It usually works better if someone is standing there when I do that… kind of like _now!_" He spun round again, but again there was nothing. "Dammit, I'm normally not wrong about this kind of _thing_- Hello!" He spun in the opposite direction, but luck wasn't on his side.

"Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?" Donut asked eagerly.

"No, stupid, a motion-activated proximity radar; it's standard issue," Sarge replied, slapping his hand on a small screen on his right wrist. "I guess I need to get mine calibrated." Then he spotted something in the distance. "Hey, what the heck is that thing?"

In another part of the caves, Grif and Simmons huddled together under the lamp, listening out for Sarge and Donut and keeping an eye out for any bats or snakes.

"Sarge should be able to see us here, right?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, who cares," Grif muttered, glancing the other direction, and thus missing the flash of purple that whizzed past his head. "Hey Simmons, I was thinking; if we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?"

"That's a pretty good point… Grif," Simmons replied, slurring at the end.

Grif turned at this. "What the…? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Simmons murmured dozily. "Why do you ask?"

But Grif could see that Simmons was struggling to stay awake and then as his head lolled down, Grif spotted a glowing dart embedded in his neck. "Huh, you got a pink thing on you."

"What… like a snake? Get it off…" Simmons raised a hand to swipe the dart off, but the effort of movement was too much and he fell to the ground unconscious.

"Simmons?" Grif knelt next to his teammate and shook him gently. "Simmons?" Then he heard a stone clatter and he got to his feet quickly. "Huh?"

Just then, a purple dart zipped out of the darkness and embedded itself in Grif's neck. "Ow."

Seconds later, nine more darts hit him in various parts of his body. "OW!"

And then one more hit him right in the crotch, but he barely felt that due to his earlier pain.

Suddenly, Grif began to feel sleepy and he fell to his knees. As he struggled to stay awake, he could see two blurred figures approaching him from the shadows.

"Oh wow, hey look, bat-people," he slurred. "Please don't eat me, bat-people…" Then he slumped to the ground and knew nothing more…

* * *

**Uh oh, what terrible dangers lie hidden in the caverns?**


	13. Terms and Provisions

**After our trip underground, it's back to the surface with Episode 90.**

* * *

Chapter 13: Terms and Provisions

At the Blue Base, Church was still thinking of an idea to shut down Sheila before glancing over to where Tex and Sister were chatting.

"Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila." Church sighed and bowed his head. "Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one."

"What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?" Tucker asked confused.

"She didn't dump me, Tucker," Church retorted. "It was mutual."

"Mutual in what way; mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment she dumped you?"

"Yeah, that way," Church snapped before turning to his blue teammate. "Come on, Caboose; let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck."

"Yeah, right," Tucker muttered as he watched his teammates head towards the girls. "Hey when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to the pink guy on the Red Team. I hear he's in the market."

Doc then looked over and noticed the two girls. "Hey, who's the yellow soldier?"

"That's just Sister," Tucker replied. "She's new."

"No-one told about a new arrival," Doc exclaimed. "I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty."

"Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E… That spells fine."

"Thanks. But I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-"

"I'm a doctor," Tucker cut in. "A doctor of love, PhD, certified loooveology, General Harrasstitioner, Sexicologist."

Doc rolled his eyes. "First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty. And also, PhDs, not really doctors!"

Tucker scowled and folded his arms. "Dude, you're a dork."

Just then, Sister arrived and smiled at her teammate. "Hey!"

"What's up, Sis?" Tucker called out. "What did you and Tex talk about?"

Sister just shrugged. "Oh she was just talking about everyone here; how you're all idiots and jerks, and how you guys are _her_ idiots and jerks, and if I try to become more popular than her, she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me and then I would cry and everyone would hate me… you know, girl stuff!"

"Cool," Tucker chuckled nervously. "Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc."

"Hi!" Sister said cheerfully.

"Uh, hello, nice to meet you," Doc replied shyly. "I'm the medic. Eh, if it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick examination since you're new. Do you want to come to Base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?"

"Sure, lead the way," Sister replied eagerly as she followed Doc to the Base. "See ya, Tucker!"

Tucker watched them go then frowned. "What the fuck just happened?"

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns beneath the canyon, Donut came across the stirring form of one of his teammates.

"Sarge, I found Simmons!" he called over his shoulder. "He's over here, sleeping on the job."

"Donut, I'm not sleeping," Simmons groaned. "I was drugged."

"Sorry, Sarge," Donut corrected as his leader approached. "He's not sleeping, he's doing drugs."

"Shut up, Donut. I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked." Simmons sat up and carefully removed the dart from his neck. "Oh, they must have used some kind of tranquilizer on me and…" He suddenly gasped and looked around. "Grif? Hey where's Grif?"

"Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more _drugs_," Donut scowled.

Simmons ignored him as he got to his feet. "They must have taken him."

"Who would take Grif, garbage collectors?" Sarge joked.

"The people who ambushed us, we have to find him." Simmons then raised his right arm and activated a small screen on his wrist. "Luckily I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock on to his signal in just a few seconds."

"A few seconds?" Sarge cried out. "That sounds entirely hopeless. Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier, using the broadest possible definition of 'good', and 'soldier'."

But then a loud pinging noise issued from Simmons' screen. "I've got his signal."

"He's probably a million miles away by now!"

"Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away."

"But who knows what direction!?"

"_That_ direction," Simmons pointed to some nearby boulders.

"Exactly," Sarge sighed in defeat. "We did our best Simmons, now let's head back to Base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?"

"I don't see it anywhere," Simmons replied. "I guess they took it when they took Grif."

Sarge let out a groan. "What direction did you say?"

"That way, Sir," Simmons said, pointing at the boulders again.

"Come on, let's go," Sarge muttered as he set off.

Back on the surface, Church quickly explained to Tex what they planned to do while Caboose kept an eye on Sheila. "So Caboose is gonna be up front talking to her and then while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access her panel and shut her off."

Tex thought for a moment then nodded. "Okay, I'll do it."

"Wha- that's _it_?" Church cried out. "You will? No bargaining, no ridiculous demands?"

"No," Tex replied simply. "I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If _anyone_ should be making demands, it should be you."

"Oh," Church muttered. "Well, in that case, we wan-"

"Forget it, deal's done."

"Dammit."

"Um," Caboose then put in. "How should I distract Sheila?"

"Just talk to her," Church replied. "Keep her attention, that's it."

"I don't know," Caboose muttered nervously. "Uh, we kinda have a history. She may not want to talk to me."

"So?" Church asked with a shrug. "Tex and I have a history, it doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation."

"I wouldn't exactly call them conversations," Tex corrected silently.

"Oh, get off my back woman," Church snapped. "Can't you see I'm working here?"

"Please, you call _this_ working?" Tex scoffed.

"See?" Caboose cut in. "This is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks."

Church sighed and rolled his eyes. "Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow; just smooth-talk her."

"I don't know how to do that," Caboose murmured.

"Just tell her she's pretty, or that she's got that new-tank smell or something," Church suggested. "Compliment her treads, it doesn't matter."

"I don't know…" Caboose whimpered.

"It's easy," Church encouraged. "Look, here, just practice on Tex, she's woman_ish_."

"Pardon me?" Tex cried out.

"Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you?" Church reminded her. "Or do you wanna try this on your own?"

As if to drive the point home, Sheila opened fire and a boulder just behind Tex exploded into pieces.

"I see your point," Tex muttered nervously.

Church then turned to Caboose. "Go ahead."

Caboose coughed and stepped up to the freelancer. "Um… hello, Tex."

Just then, Tucker came running up to them. "Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off."

"Shut up, Tucker," Church hissed through clenched teeth. "Don't interrupt."

"Interrupt _what?_" Tucker asked puzzled.

Caboose ignored them as he continued, "Tex, I think you are pretty, and… you haven't hurt my body in a long time… so I was hoping that, uh, we could talk, and be friends, maybe… and hold hands and you would go with me… and when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend."

Tex sighed at how crazy Caboose sounded, but aloud she said, "I think that would be… nice, Caboose. We should definitely do… that."

"What the hell?" Tucker jumped in at this point and pushed Caboose aside. "Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get in with somebody, get with me, the love doctor! I'm a _real_ man! I will rock your fucking world!"

Tex stared at him for a moment then she glared at Church.

"Hey, don't look at me," Church muttered. "He's not part of the plan."

Tex nodded then she punched Tucker in the face.

"OW!" Tucker yelled as he was knocked to the ground. "What is going on around here?"

"I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's 'rock your world' line," Caboose muttered. "I think I'm gonna stick to my own material."

* * *

**Yeah, that's probably the best idea, Caboose.**


	14. Missed Direction

**Now here are some semi-erotic moments for Episode 91.**

* * *

Chapter 14: Missed Direction

Since he wasn't allowed to take part to Church's plan, Tucker headed back to Base to check on his son, whom he'd left in the sleeping quarters.

"Junior," he called as he entered but then he saw that the alien had disappeared. "Junior? Hey, Junior, where'd you go?"

"Honk!" a voice called out.

Tucker turned round and saw his little alien child standing by the doorway to the medical ward. "There you are, you little rascal."

"Honk, honk!" Junior squeaked as Tucker picked him up.

"Okay, Sister, any other conditions I should know about?" Doc's voice said from the ward.

"Um let's see," Sister replied in thought. "You know about all the ways I'm contagious, so I don't know if there's anything…"

Slowly Tucker approached the doorway and peeked round. He could see Sister's armor lying in a pile on the floor, but unfortunately the wall that divided the entrance to the actual ward blocked the rest of his view. "Hey, what's going on here?"

"Oh!" Sister realized. "I'm colorblind."

"Really? That's weird," Doc murmured. "But I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and stretch."

"Sure," Sister replied then she made sounds of exertions. "Like this?"

"Whoa, yeah!" Doc cried. "You're really limber and in really great shape!"

"Yeah, I am," Sister grunted.

"I'm not playing against _you_ in Twister."

"Check this out!" Sister made another grunt.

"Wowzers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg right? Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry if my hands are cold."

"That's cool," Sister said in a strained voice. "Sorry my body's a little hot."

"Hey, do you guys need any help in there?" Tucker called out.

"Huh, is someone spying on us?" Sister shouted. "Yessss, _hot!_"

"No, we're good," Doc yelled back. "Hey Sister, do you want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're…"

"Eh, I'll be okay," Sister replied. "Hard nipples won't kill you."

Tucker made an uncomfortable shuffle of his legs. "I could just walk around this corner if you need me to. It wouldn't be a problem."

"We got it!" Doc shouted. "Hey, sorry I got you all wet before; I don't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird."

"That's okay," Sister reassured. "I think it'll actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor can be a little difficult."

"Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do," Tucker called out.

"No thanks, Tucker," Doc insisted. "Maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'd probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine- Hey, are you double-jointed?"

"Yeah," Sister giggled.

Tucker sighed and set off back to the sleeping quarters. "Great."

"Honk!" Junior squeaked.

"Don't rub it in," Tucker snapped.

Junior cocked his head to one side. "Blarg?"

Deep beneath the ground, Simmons, Donut and Sarge were searching the caves for Grif.

As they neared some boulders, the beeping noise on Simmons' wrist-screen changed into a high-pitched tone. "Come on," he called to the others. "Grif should be right over here."

"Don't listen to him, Sarge," Donut warned his leader. "He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month when he asked for more money? It was for drugs!"

"That was part of a budgetary meeting, Donut," Sarge argued. "He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance."

"Enabler!" Donut accused.

Suddenly Simmons held out a hand to stop and pointed towards a nearby stalagmite. "I see something."

"Ah there's my shotgun!" Sarge ran up to the rock and picked up his trusty weapon. "Mission accomplished. Excellent work, men; let's hang up a banner."

Donut then spotted what Simmons was pointing at. "There's Grif!"

"Oh right, and Grif," Sarge muttered as Simmons ran up to his teammate. "Excellent, uh, something or other, you people- oh, why do I even bother?"

Simmons knelt down next to Grif and smacked his face gently until he stirred. "Ohhh," he moaned as he opened his eyes. "What happened? What'd you do to me?"

"We got knocked the fuck out," Simmons explained. "And the people who did it must have taken you."

"Oh, right," Grif muttered, sitting up carefully. "Uh, they kept asking me questions. They wanted information."

"Information?" Sarge cried out. "What did they-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Simmons interrupted. "They wanted information and they took _you!?_ Why wouldn't they take me?"

"What did they look like?" Sarge asked.

"Sarge, please," Simmons snapped then he turned back to Grif. "I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?"

"What are you, jealous? Jesus," Grif muttered.

"No," Simmons retorted. "I just think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean."

"Yeah, you're jealous," Grif chuckled.

"Besides, it'd take all the fun outta interrogating," Sarge added.

Back on the surface, Church and Caboose peeked over a grassy knoll and spotted Sheila sulking by the canyon wall. Then they saw Tex hiding behind a nearby boulder as she waved her hand to signal that she was in position.

"I don't know what to say," Caboose muttered nervously.

"Don't be nervous," Church assured him. "Just go out there, hold her attention, and don't say anything stupid. No wait; be natural. Say stupid stuff. Go!"

With a nervous gulp, Caboose shuffled out of the grass then made his way over to the tank. "Hello, Sheila, how are you doing?"

Sheila turned her turret round and spotted the blue Spartan approaching. "Oh hello Caboose," she called out cheerfully. "Actually, I'm not functioning at my optimal capacity. My internal diagnostics indicate I am having mechanical issues. How are you?"

"Um," Caboose mumbled.

"Caboose, say good," Church hissed from his hiding place.

"What?" Caboose said. "Oh, good! Um, p-pretty good, really good, I am great. I am absolutely perfect."

"That's too good," Church hissed.

"Now I am depressed," Caboose sighed. "I am doing… bad. I-I don't know if I can go on."

Sheila tilted her turret slightly. "You seem… distracted, Caboose."

"Uh, I am not distracted," Caboose replied nervously, glancing at Church for a moment. "I'm not distracted, I am distract_ing_. See, that's different because I'm doing it to you!"

"What?" Sheila gasped.

"What?" Church whispered.

"I mean," Caboose stuttered. "I'm very… distractable, uh, with a high degree of distract-ivity… ness." He cleared his throat nervously.

"Change the subject!" Church called quietly.

"Okay," Caboose hissed then he smiled at the tank. "Sheila, have you seen Tex?"

"What?" Church cried then hissed, "I mean- what?"

"What?" Sheila yelled unaware of Tex sneaking up behind her.

"Sheila, do you know what my favorite thing to do is?" Caboose asked. "Not look behind myself. You should try not doing that."

Sheila just stared silently at him as he added, "Do you like to collect stamps?"

"Hey, Caboose," Church hissed from his cover. "I think it's wrong for us both to die because you're an idiot, so I'm gonna take off now. Okay, I'll see you, bye."

"Please don't go," Caboose called as he watched Church run for it.

"I am not leaving," Sheila said.

"Oh, good," Caboose sighed worryingly. "Good, stay."

"You are acting strangely," Sheila said suspiciously, rolling a little closer. "And I would like to find out why."

"Oh, okay," Caboose gulped, backing slowly away. "Um-"

"Caboose, the Omega AI has been missing and everyone has been attempting to find him," Sheila explained. "If you continue to act erratically, they may mistakenly think he is inside of you and take drastic measures against you."

"Oh, I wouldn't want them to do that," Caboose muttered nervously.

"Exactly," Sheila replied. "Luckily, I know where Omega is."

"You do?" Caboose cried out. "Where?"

"He is inside Bluuuuuuoooooooorrrrrr…" And then Sheila's turret drooped down and the lights in her cabin switched off.

"Got it!" Tex cheered, stepping out from behind the tank.

Caboose frowned. "Who is Bluurrrr?"

* * *

**Well, that's just typical.**


	15. Where Credit is Due

**Episode 92 and it's the Blues' turn to get a surprise.**

* * *

Chapter 15: Where Credit is Due

As Tex made her made back to Church to report the success of his plan, Caboose hurried over to them, with news that surprised them both.

"You want us to turn her back on again?" Church cried out. "After we just went through all that trouble to shut her down?"

"But she said she knows where O'Malley is," Caboose replied.

"Maybe she was lying," Church pondered. "How could she possibly know that? What do you think, Tex? Can you turn back on again, disable her guns or something?"

"Not a chance," Tex replied. "She's a wreck back there. I'm not even sure how she was operational anyway."

"Oh, I know," Caboose shouted. "Uh, we could put her inside _my_ head, like O'Malley! I've got lots of extra room in there."

"Yeah, I bet," Church muttered. "And no, she's not that kind of AI."

"She could only be moved over if we had a similar class of vehicle," Tex agreed.

"Yeah, if only we had some other kind of big vehicle that we could move her into. We can't use the Warthog because that doesn't have anything…" Church stopped and glanced towards the Pelican. "Wait a minute… the ship! Tex, could we move her into one of those on-board computers?"

Tex gave it a thought. "If we set up a hard line, yeah, I bet we could do it."

"Church, wait!"

Church looked round to see Tucker running out of the Base towards them. "Huh?"

"Church, hold on a second," Tucker yelled as he approached. "I've got something to tell you!"

"Tucker, what is it?" Church asked.

"I just wanted to say…" Tucker paused to catch his breath. "I got a hard line Tex can use: Bow chicka bow wow."

"How did you even hear that?" Tex cried.

"I'm like Superman," Tucker replied with a snort. "I know when I'm needed."

In the underground caves, Sarge and Simmons were trying to help Grif get over his doped state.

"Shake it off, you big baby," Sarge snapped, shaking Grif by the shoulders. "What happened to you?"

"He's been chasing the dragon," Donut sighed, continuing his anti-drug protest.

"Donut, shut up," Simmons yelled. "He was drugged just like me."

"That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon and shook hands with the Devil!"

"_Shut up!_"

"He's been riding the wave and tripping the Technicolor dreamscape. _Far out, man_… druggie loser."

"Will you stop, Donut! All you're doing with you stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs."

"Choose life, Simmons," Donut pleaded. "_Choose it!_"

"Yeah, that sounds like fun," Simmons muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Who knocked you out, Grif?" Sarge bellowed. "Was it those dirty Blues?"

"No," Grif murmured. "It was some kind of… bat-person."

"Bat-person!?" Sarge cried out.

"Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talking about," Simmons put in.

"Grif doesn't know what he's talking about, eh?" Sarge asked sarcastically. "Stop the fucking presses."

"No, I mean specifically right now," Simmons corrected. "Whatever chemical they used to knock us out may be affecting his perception or his memory."

"And it could cause undue stress to his family," Donut added, "and seriously impair his ability to operate a mech-"

"SHUT UP DONUT!" Simmons screamed.

"I wasn't hallucinating," Grif protested. "There was some kinda crazy bat-thing, and another guy, and they were talking a kid and a sword and some kind of crazy deal they made."

"Okay, wait," Donut cut in. "Is this a joke? This is a prank on me, right? You guys found my Harry Potter fan fiction."

"This has nothing to do with you, Donut," Grif scowled.

"Okay, right, sure," Donut muttered. "Well, if the bat-person turns out to be a sailor and the guy turns out to be a bartender and the _sword_ turns out- well, let's just say this all sounds a little too familiar."

"I'm telling the truth!" Grif insisted. "This really happened."

"Sure, we believe you buddy," Sarge comforted, patting Grif on the shoulder then he turned to Simmons and whispered through the corner of his mouth, "Note to Simmons: Grif has gone mad. Need to kill him ASAP."

"I'm not crazy!" Grif yelled.

"Second note to Simmons," Sarge hissed. "Grif has developed super hearing, possibly acquired from the bat-people! Post-note: original plan still applies."

"Wait a second," Grif gasped, jumping to his feet. "I can _prove_ I'm not crazy, because of the bomb, the bomb!"

"Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane," Simmons scoffed. "Just start screaming 'the bomb, the bomb'."

"The bomb was there!" Grif persisted. "That's how I could understand what was being said. They needed _him_ to translate."

"The bomb?" Sarge gasped. "You mean that loud-mouth guy?"

"Yeah, the enormous ball that's always ready to explode," Grif agreed with a nod.

"Okay, seriously," Donut interrupted angrily. "There's coincidence and then there's outright _plagiarism!_ I'm gonna have to sue somebody."

Back on the surface, Tex found a long cable on board the ship, plugged one end into the main computer on its deck then she made her way outside and plugged the other end into Sheila's back panel. "She's all set. Transfer should take a while."

"Um, are we sure we wanna put her in this ship?" Church asked nervously.

Tex thought for a moment. "Hmm, it's still flyable, but I'm gonna remove the ignition coil just to be sure. If O'Malley _is_ in her somewhere, they aren't going anywhere without it."

Church gave a smile. "You want me to hold it?"

"Are you kidding?" Tex retorted.

"Well, thought it was worth a try," Church muttered.

Tex then switched on her helmet radio. "Hey Caboose, how's it going in there?"

On the deck of the Pelican, Caboose received Tex's message. "It looks good, although I have to tell you, the ship looks a lot bigger on the inside than the outside."

"How's the readout?" Tex asked.

Caboose glanced at the main computer. "Well, all the red lights are red, and all the blue lights are blue."

"What about the green lights?"

Caboose looked again. "Those are black."

"Okay," Tex replied. "When the green lights turn green, and the red lights turn black, I want you to get a hold of me right away."

"Uh, okay," Caboose answered. "Uh, what about the blue lights?"

"The blue lights don't matter."

"Then why do they-"

"Okay, thanks Caboose, good job!"

"Oh, okay," Caboose muttered as the radio went dead.

Back in the dark caves, Grif managed to recall as much of his interrogation as he could.

_Groggy flashback_

_Slowly Grif began to stir and through his blurred vision, he could see two figures standing in front of him, one greenish and one too dark to tell._

_Then he heard a familiar voice next to him. "Hey Grif, just tell them where the kid with the sword is, and you can go."_

"_Wha- Andy, is-is that you?" Grif muttered woozily. "Why are you helping monster-people?"_

"_Hey, gotta make a living," Andy replied._

_Just then, the green figure glanced round. "Hnk, hnk? Wraghnk, wrar."_

"_He says someone's coming," Andy translated. "We gotta go!"_

_The second figure picked up Andy and followed his friend into the darkness._

"_See ya, Grif!" Andy called out. "By the way, you look like shit! Zing!"_

"_Oh, okay, bye," Grif muttered. "I'm gonna go… to sleeping again…" Then he closed his eyes and remembered nothing more…_

_End flashback_

"…And he was translating between the two of _them_ too," Grif concluded. "So if we find Andy, he can tell us _exactly_ what's going on."

"It sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical!" Sarge yelled. "Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons."

"Thank you Sir," Simmons replied loyally.

"Simmons?!" Grif cried out. "I just told you everything!"

"But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture," Sarge replied.

"_Avoided capture?!_ They knocked him out first and picked me at random!"

"Yes, a randomness that Simmons used to save the day!"

"He had nothing to do with that!"

"But it was Simmons that found the underground cave."

"By trying to bury you alive!"

"A tactic that was clearly multi-layered," Sarge countered with finality. "Once again, Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together."

"Just wait 'till you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt," Simmons chuckled.

"Oh, don't spoil it," Sarge giggled.

* * *

**Isn't that just like Sarge? He curses his team one minute then praises them the next. It's good to have him back though.**


	16. Biting the Hand

**Now Episode 93 will answer some questions and raise a few more.**

* * *

Chapter 16: Biting the Hand

At the Blue Base, Tucker went off to play with Junior some more while Tex and Caboose waited on the Pelican for news of Sheila's progress. But Church was getting annoyed at Tex for her actions.

"You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex," he berated. "Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time."

"I had to leave," Tex argued. "I found Wyoming."

"Yeah, Tucker told me," Church recalled. "What happened?"

"I thought I tracked him back to O'Malley," Tex explained. "But by the time York and I got there-"

"York? Wait, your old Freelancer buddy?" Church cried. "Was Carolina with him?"

"She was already dead."

"And what about Bermuda?" Caboose cut in.

"That's not a state, dumbass," Church snapped.

"Portland?"

"Shut up!"

"But he still had Delta," Tex continued.

"_Delta_, the AI?" Church gasped. "How? I thought they took them- wait a minute, wait a minute, how was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?"

"I thought it was because of his armor," Tex replied. "You know all the Freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement."

"Right, like your invisibility," Church agreed.

"And horrible meanness," Caboose added.

"No, dude, that's all natural," Church chuckled.

"York's was some kind of healing mechanism," Tex continued. "It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet." Her face suddenly became serious. "There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us."

"Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?" Church asked.

"He didn't," Tex replied with a scowl. "Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away; one second he was there, and the next he was gone."

"What about the second after that?" Caboose cut in.

Tex glowered at the dim Blue. "Can I kill him?"

"No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food," Church replied. "So, Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?"

"I don't think so," Tex muttered. "I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else."

"How is that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is-" Church stopped as a thought crossed his mind. "Wait a minute… Each Freelancer had an enhanced suit of armor and an AI, right?"

"Right," Tex agreed.

"Right," Caboose added.

"Your armor was invisibility, and your AI was Omega."

"Right," Tex agreed again.

"Wrong," Caboose added. "Oops, missed that one. Can we go back?"

Church slapped his teammate on the back of his helmet then turned to Tex. "What was Wyoming's AI?"

"Gamma," Tex replied.

Church sighed and reached for his helmet radio. "I gotta make a phone call."

Some distance away, in a large complex by the seaside, the silence was broken by a loud ringing. In one room, a computer screen switched on, revealing a graphed sky-blue face. "HELLO."

"Hello," Church's voice called out. "This is Church, Gary or should I call you Gamma? Have you been lying to us?"

Gary looked appalled. "LYING IS SUCH A SHISNO CONCEPT- I MEAN HUMAN CONCEPT."

"You're a computer. I thought computers can't lie."

"THEY CAN IF THEY ARE PROGRAMMED TO LIE."

"Were you programmed to lie?" Church demanded.

Gary looked thoughtful for a moment. "NO."

"God dammit," Church swore.

"I HAVE TO GO, CHURCH," Gary said with false urgency.

"Wait a minute, what about the aliens, how do we-"

"GOODBYE," Gary cut in and he hung up.

Seconds later, a figure in white armor stepped out of the shadows. "Hmmm," he murmured in his thick British accent. "Do they know?"

"THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT," Gary reassured. "WE ARE CLOSE TO THE END. WE WILL NOT BE STOPPED NOW."

"We should get going," Wyoming said, switching on the radio in his helmet. "Hop on."

Gary nodded and then he disappeared from the screen.

Back at Blue Base, Church was about to tell Tex what he'd learned when the radio crackled.

"Hello, ringading," Vic Jr.'s voice called out. "Blue Base, come in. Let's go hello, come in."

"Hello?" Church replied as he got back on the radio. "Vic, is that you?"

"Hey dude, how's it goin'?" Vic Jr. replied joyfully. "It's been a while since we spoke."

"Why are you calling me?" Church asked.

"Everything been goin' good, yeah that's great," Vic Jr. replied. "Listen, I don't have much time to talk. I've uh, been discussing things here at Blue Command, we think everything isss bad and now is the time to go attack the Red Base. It turns out the Reds are up to no good, and somebody needs to kill 'em. A good way to do that might be to send some people through the caves, yeah take 'em by surprise. Anyway, I can't talk, gotta go, see ya la vista."

"Wait a second, wait a second," Church yelled but the line went dead. "Why do people keep hanging up on me!?"

Meanwhile, deep inside the caves, the Reds were still searching for Andy when they came across another building similar to the underground Blue Base. Inside they found a room with several large TV screens built into one wall.

"Huh, what's all this business?" Sarge asked.

"It looks like a bunch of computer equipment, Sir," Simmons replied.

"Excellent analysis, Simmons," Sarge replied pleasingly.

"And it's attached to some kind of TV thing," Donut added.

"So it is," Sarge cried out satisfactorily. "Astute deduction, Donut."

"It shows all different parts of the canyon," Grif interposed, pointing at one of the screens. "Look, there's our Base!"

"Ah yes, another incredible observation from the stating the obvious department," Sarge muttered displeasingly. "Thanks for nothing, numbnuts."

Grif let out an angry sigh.

"Simmons, Donut, you two stay here," Sarge ordered. "Grif's gonna continue to help look for Andy."

"Fine," Grif retorted with a scowl as he left the room. "Oy, I hate my job."

Donut then started pointing the other screens as each image changed. "Look, there's my room, and the locker room! And there are the showers! Man, so many good memories…"

"I hope this thing isn't connected to the Internet," Simmons muttered shyly.

"The Blues must have set this up," Sarge assumed. "Crafty devils, spying on us all along…" Then his eyes fell upon one screen. "What's all that?"

Simmons looked too. "That looks like Blue Base."

"Why would the Blues spy on themselves?" Sarge asked perplexed.

"Maybe the Blues didn't set this up," Simmons muttered. "Someone else might have."

"Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just wanna see themselves on TV," Sarge argued. "Boy, I bet they have those stupid liberal equal time laws, commie Blue bastards."

Simmons then had a thought. "What if… all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was _way more advanced_ than us?"

"Wait a minute," Donut butted in. "How could an _ancient_ civilization be _more_ advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?"

Simmons rubbed his chin in thought. "They could have mysteriously disappeared, only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology."

Donut stared at his teammate silently. "_That_'s gay."

"Oh let's finish this fight later," Simmons groaned.

Sarge then pointed at another screen that had just changed its image. "Look, what's that?"

Simmons took a look and gasped in horror. "That looks like Sister's armor."

"Oh no," Donut cried. "What happened to her?"

"Clearly she's been disintegrated," Sarge breathed.

"Why would they do that?" Simmons murmured. "Oh, we can't tell Grif. He's gonna be devastated."

"Tell me what?" Grif called out as he reentered the room.

"Tell you that your sister's been vaporized by the Blues," Sarge replied.

"WHAT!?" Grif screamed.

"Sarge!" Simmons yelled in disbelief.

Sarge just chuckled. "It's just like rippin' off a band-aid, quick and incredibly painful."

"We just talked about this," Simmons berated. "I thought we agreed not to tell him."

"What?" Grif gasped again slightly quieter.

"You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge," Donut agreed with Simmons.

"Son, the only thing I _need_ to do is stay red and die," Sarge argued.

"What?" Grif asked once more, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm really sorry, Grif," Simmons sighed, nodding at the screen showing Sister's armor. "She's dead."

"How could this have happened?" Grif stepped forward and rubbed his hand on the screen, tears in his eyes. "Oh man, that was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her."

"This has to be hard, Grif," Simmons whispered, patting his teammate's shoulder. "I… don't know what to say."

"I just…" Grif broke off with a sob and turned away from the screen. "I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time _ever_. I'd give anything to see her again and just to talk to her one last time, and I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world."

At that moment, the screen changed its image and Donut let out a gasp. "Oh hey, look! She's not dead, she's just naked!"

"What!?" Grif spun round and stared at the image in horror. "That little slut, I'm gonna kill her!"

"Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!" Simmons giggled.

* * *

**Well, that really changed the mood, huh?**


	17. Tucker Knows Best

**Action is on the way for Episode 94… after the nudity's done, that is.**

* * *

Chapter 17: Tucker Knows Best

"PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" Grif yelled at the image of Sister on the screen. "What's the one thing I told you, _don't embarrass the family!_"

"I don't think she's embarrassing-" Simmons broke with a gasp. "Whoa, why is she doing splits?"

"Huh," Sarge muttered as he stared at the screen. "Is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?"

Simmons glanced at the console under the screens. "Does this thing take dollar bills?"

"Come on, that's my sister!" Grif snapped. "And you're looking at her naked!"

"So? She's not _our_ sister," Simmons replied with a shrug.

"Stop looking at her!"

Simmons then noticed their pink partner looking at the screen. "Why does Donut get to look?"

"Hey, why does the Blue Base get so much more natural light than ours?" Donut asked, glancing around the image of the ward. "It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling."

"That's why Donut gets to look," Grif replied with slight ease.

Just then, on the monitor, Sister got up, picked up her armor and went behind a nearby screen.

"Ohh, look, she's putting her armor back on," Sarge sighed in disappointment before clearing his throat. "Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting her armor back on! Good work, soldier."

"Don't patronize me," Grif scowled.

At that moment, the screen changed again and Simmons watched as the fully-clad Sister followed Doc outside to where her teammates were gathered. "It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting."

"What? I knew it," Sarge cried. "They're coming to attack our Base, dirty backstabbers."

"I thought the Blues were _supposed_ to attack us," Donut reminded his leader.

"Dirty frontstabbers!" Sarge corrected himself. "Simmons, what are they saying?"

"I have no idea," Simmons admitted. "I can't find the volume on this monitor. And without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down."

"Is that how they talk?" Sarge asked. "They look ridiculous." The others bobbed their heads up and down in agreement.

Meanwhile, outside the Blue Base, Church waited until Doc and Sister had arrived then he addressed his team. "Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red Base right away. I don't know why but… I guess we're gonna do it."

"Attack?" Tucker cried out. "Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?"

"And for some reason," Church continued, "he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves."

"Why?" Tex asked suspiciously.

"I don't know but who cares?" Church replied dismissively. "So, me, Tex and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle."

"What about my kid?" Tucker yelled, hugging Junior close to his chest. "He can't go into battle!"

"Doc, Sister and _Junior_, you guys go get lost in the caves," Church said.

"Oh," Tucker sighed in relief.

"We'll find you after the battle's over," Church told Doc and Sister, "unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens, I want to be buried as far away as possible from these two." He nodded at Tucker and Caboose.

"Yeah," Tucker then said. "And I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full of beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah you know what, it's all in my will."

"What about me?" Caboose asked eagerly. "Can I get lost too?"

"No, Caboose," Tex replied strictly. "I need you to stay here and watch Sheila."

"Yeah," Church agreed. "If the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her altogether."

"Oh, that would be bad," Caboose muttered.

"Right," Church confirmed. "Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?"

Caboose looked thoughtful. "Hmmm, well I suppose I could always-"

"Shut up, that was rhetorical," Church interrupted. "Tucker, come on, let's get going."

"Where should _we_ go?" Doc asked.

"I don't care," Church replied. "Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain, unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh."

With a glare at his leader, Tucker knelt down and lowered Junior to the ground. "Well, little dude," he sighed. "I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man."

"Tucker, he's only three days old," Doc reminded him.

"Yeah," Tucker sniffed, lifting his helmet up slightly to wipe a tear from his eye. "They grow up so fast."

"Also," Church added. "He's not a boy, he's a grub."

"The point is, you're on your own now," Tucker continued, patting his alien child on the head. "And I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the Internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on _anything, __**ever**_. Oh, also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to them, so mix it up a little."

"Tucker, let's go!" Church called out as he and Tex waited on the hill.

"Okay, little dude, I gotta go now," Tucker sighed, getting to his feet. "Tex needs me and Church to back her up."

"Bow chicka honk honk!" Junior squeaked.

"Huh, I guess you have been teaching him some stuff," Doc said impressed.

"Teach?" Tucker scoffed. "You don't teach that. That shit's genetic."

With that, Tucker set off to join Tex and Church, while Doc picked up Junior and set off with Sister towards the cliffs and Caboose hurried back to the Pelican.

Twenty minutes later, Tex, Church and Tucker stood on a ledge overlooking the Red Base. Tex had her assault rifle out, Tucker had switched on his key-sword and Church now peered at the Base with his sniper rifle. "I don't see anything."

"I'll move up," Tex said. "You two stay here."

"You want us to cover you?" Tucker asked.

"Yeah, cover me," Tex sighed sarcastically. "That way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away."

"Hey, you don't have to be a bitch," Tucker retorted.

As Tex set off down the cliff, Church looked through the scope of his sniper. "I don't see anything at all," he muttered. "It's like they're all hiding or something."

Tucker glanced over his shoulder and sighed, "Uh, what do you see?"

"I just said I don't see anything," Church replied crossly. "I just said that."

"Man, I _hate_ that I _never_ get the _fucking sniper rifle!_" Tucker yelled.

"Oh yeah, boo hoo," Church retorted. "All you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you."

"Come on, dude, just once," Tucker pleaded. "Let me use it, _just one time_, I won't ask again! Pleeeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplea seplease?"

Church thought it over for a moment. "Can I use the sword?"

"Oh, hell yes!" Tucker yelled.

"Fine, here." Church handed his teal teammate the sniper while Tucker switched off his sword and gave it to his leader.

"Oh, kickass!" Tucker cheered, raising the scope to his eye. "Okay, no wait, how do I zoom? Ha, I'm zoomed!"

Church meanwhile pressed the button on the handle but nothing happened. "Hey, Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fucking gyp."

"Now how do I-" Tucker then felt something under his finger. "Wait, what is this thing?"

"Okay, whatever, dude," Church sighed. "Just don't-"

Suddenly there was a loud bang and down below, Tex felt a sharp pain in her bottom. "OW!"

"What the fuck?" Church looked round and saw that the sniper's muzzle was smoking. "Did you just _fire_ that thing?"

"Oops!" Tucker moved his finger away from the trigger. "That was an accident."

"We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass," Church berated. "They're gonna hear us, give it back."

"Um, yeah, okay take it back," Tucker yelped, tossing the gun back quickly.

"I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years-" Church trailed off as he spotted Tex coming back up towards them. "Hey Tex, what're you doing back?"

In reply, Tex raised her fist and punched Church right in the face. "OW!" he yelled as he stumbled back. "What the fuck did I do!?"

"Asshole!" Tex growled.

"I told him to be careful with that thing," Tucker chuckled. "He's just not very good with it."

* * *

**Way to play the blame game, Tucker mate.**


	18. Loading

**A few surprises are in store for Episode 95.**

* * *

Chapter 18: Loading…

On board the Pelican, Caboose watched the main computer in intense silence then at last, the red lights switched off, the green lights came on and a familiar voice called out from the speakers. "Hello and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute, where am I?"

"Sheila, you're awake," Caboose cried out with joy. "I am so happy! Look, we got you a new place to live. Now you're the big ship lady."

"I like it," Sheila gasped. "It is so roomy, much nicer than that stuffy old tank."

"And now… you can fly," Caboose added.

"Are you the pilot, Caboose?" Sheila asked hopefully. "Shall I run the tutorial program?"

"Mmmm, yeah," Caboose muttered, recalling what had happened the last time Sheila ran through the tutorial program with him. "Uh, let's not do that right now."

In the underground complex, the Reds watched on the screen as Tex, Church and Tucker made their way towards the Red Base.

"Look, they're invading our base!" Sarge cried. "And we're not even there to defend it. Oh, the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've been training for!"

"Training? We haven't done any training," Grif protested. "Wait, is sleep considered training?"

Sarge glowered at the orange private. "Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. …Simmons? Simmons!"

"Uh huh, yeah I agree," Simmons replied distractedly, glancing at each of the monitors. "Everything you say is right, Red Team's great … hooray."

"Simmons, stop watching those TVs," Sarge yelled.

"Yeah, Simmons, give it up," Donut agreed. "There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there."

"Shut up, you don't know that," Simmons hissed through gritted teeth. "Stop saying that, he doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Men, this won't be easy," Sarge continued. "The Blues will be totally bunkered down at both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! But we're the Red Team!" As he spoke, a red flag lowered down behind him and a deep voice started singing in the background. "Sure, you might not be the best squad; you might not be smart or energetic or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-"

"Where did that flag come from?" Donut hissed as Sarge continued his speech.

"Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag," Grif replied as he looked around. "How about who's singing?"

"But with precise operations and proper communication, we _will_ emerge victorious!" Sarge concluded. "With a little luck, one of us in particular will die a horrible death, either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly."

"Why don't we just take over Blue Base?" Simmons cut in.

"Nonsense!" Sarge yelled as the singing stopped and the flag disappeared. "At Blue Base, they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!"

"Blue Base has no one in it."

"What?"

"Look, see?" Simmons pointed at the monitor showing the empty Blue Base. "They're all gone."

"Where'd they go?" Sarge asked baffled.

"They went to _Red_ Base," Donut replied. "That's what we've been talking about."

"But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base?" Grif asked. "I'm all turned around down here."

"I have an idea!" Donut cried out.

With that, he led his team out the complex, through the caves until they reached the old bodies of Church and Tex. "See, these are _dead_ Blues."

"Yes, Donut," Sarge sighed impatiently. "We're all very happy about the corpses, sicko."

"Don't you get it?" Donut cried. "When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too."

"I thought the Blues had _three_ dead guys," Simmons muttered in thought.

"So that means," Donut continued. "We're standing right underneath Blue Base. All we need to do is head up and take them from behind."

"Cavernous conundrum, he's right!" Sarge yelled. "Let's go men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! On to glorious victory!"

"Technically, that's not victory," Simmons pointed out. "It's more like a stalemate."

"On to equilibrium, then?"

"Yeah, that'll work."

"Oh, this war sucks," Grif sighed as they set off.

On the surface, Sheila had been quiet for a while so Caboose waited until she spoke. "Diagnostic complete."

"Um, Sheila, have you seen Tex?" Caboose asked.

"No," Sheila replied. "I've been running a diagnostic on my new home. I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear. But I require a replacement ignition coil to become functional. Do you have an ignition coil, Private Caboose?"

"Um, no," Caboose lied. "But Tex wanted me to tell her when you started talking. Um… and I'm supposed to find her."

"My sensors indicate she is at the Red Base."

"Oh no, that's the worst kind of base."

"Why did she want to speak to me?" Sheila asked intrigued.

Caboose tried to remember. "Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is."

"Oh, of course," Sheila replied. "Would you like to know where O'Malley is, Caboose?"

Caboose stepped closer to the screen and Sheila whispered her answer.

Meanwhile, Doc, Sister and Junior had found a cave in the cliffs and were now making their way through the labyrinthine tunnels in the vague direction of the Red Base.

As Doc kept an eye out for trouble, his hands gripping the pistol he'd borrowed from Caboose, Sister kept telling her long, senseless stories to him. "…So by the time I got home, it was 4 am, and when my Mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding around on the train all night, which is _technically_ true-"

"Uh yeah," Doc groaned, feeling a headache build behind his eyes. "We don't have to talk about stuff anymore. Let's just walk, and not talk, _ever again_."

Sister glanced over her shoulder to where Junior was nibbling on a small rock. "Come on little guy, hurry up!"

"Hnnk!" the alien babe squeaked as he ran to catch up.

Sister then looked round the cave and spotted something nearby. "Oh my God, head!"

"Okay, please," Doc shouted. "Really, no more stories."

"Seriously, it's a head, look," Sister insisted pointing at a large rock.

"Huh?" Doc looked round and saw what Sister was pointing at; a large brown helmet with a cracked visor balanced precariously on the boulder.

"Ola," it called out. (Yo.)

"Oh, it's you," Doc sighed.

"Lo que," Lopez muttered with a roll of his mechanical eyes. "Una cierta manera de tratar, a su muchacho. Mi a rodeo por días y usted incluso no me busque." (Whatever. Some way to treat your sidekick, gone for days and you don't even look for me.)

"You know him?" Sister asked amazed.

"Do you speak Spanish?" Doc replied hopefully.

"Uh, of course I do," Sister answered as if it was obvious. "It's the year 2500 and I'm from America."

"Oh, cool," Doc sighed relieved. "Tell him O'Malley is gone."

Sister nodded then turned to Lopez. "O'Malley no está aquí ya fue."

"Su Español es muy horrible," Lopez retorted. (Your Spanish sucks.)

Sister then looked back at Doc. "Who's O'Malley?"

Meanwhile on the surface, Tex, Church and Tucker had arrived at the Red Base but nobody came out to challenge them.

"Alright," Church decided. "Well, I guess let's break up into teams and search the base."

"Got it," Tex replied.

As Church and Tucker went inside the base, Tex made her way towards where the Warthog Mk 2 was parked. But then, her radio switched on and Caboose called out to her, "Tex! Tex, are you there, Tex? I know who O'Malley is!"

Inside the base, Church and Tucker searched through each of the rooms, but aside from some empty ice-cream tubs and a few unwashed thongs, there was no sign of any of the Reds.

"It looks like the Reds pulled out," Tucker muttered as he and Church made their way outside again. "Does that mean we win?"

"I suppose so," Church replied mystified. "I guess we have… two bases… in the middle of a box canyon right now."

"Whoop de fucking do," Tucker sighed.

"Right Tex?" Church called out.

Suddenly Tex jumped out from round the corner and pointed her assault rifle at Church. "Don't move, O'Malley!"

"Oh crap," Church gulped.

* * *

**Now there's an unexpected turn.**


	19. The Wrong Crowd

**Better unknot your pants, because a twist is on the way in Episode 95!**

* * *

Chapter 19: The Wrong Crowd

In the caves underneath the Blue Base, Sarge gave out his plan of attack to his team. "…And then Donut will use all our grenades to bombard the base while we move forward in an advanced cover-fire formation."

"Got it," Grif replied. "And nobody hurts Sister, _that's my job_."

"Why does _Donut_ get to stay by the sidelines?" Simmons asked.

"Because he's got a great arm," Sarge replied with a chuckle. "He could have gone pro."

"It comes from years of tossing," Donut said modestly

"And as discussed," Sarge continued, "in the event that we are cornered and no other options exist, Donut will make sure to save at least four grenades, one for each of us and two for Grif."

"Anyone have a preference of frag or sticky?" Donut asked, holding up a grenade in each hand. "Tell me now; I don't want any complaining later on."

"Frag, no wait sticky," Simmons said.

"Surprise me," Grif replied.

"I'm gonna change back to frag," Simmons cried hastily.

"Hey Sarge," Donut then asked. "Have you thought about calling for reinforcements, like when we called for the ship?"

"You mean the ship that crushed you while bringing more Blue soldiers?" Grif shuddered at the memory. "Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do that."

"It's worth a shot," Sarge replied. "They owe us one now."

Sarge switched on his helmet radio, and as he tuned it to Red Command's frequency, Simmons suddenly heard an echo ringing out from the other direction.

"Come in, Command, are you there?" Sarge called out, unaware of his own voice echoing round the cave. "Vic, are you there? Come in! Is this thing on?"

"Does anybody hear that echo?" Simmons hissed.

"Yeah, we're in a cave, Simmons," Donut replied. "Caves echo, duh. That's how bats navigate."

"No," Simmons muttered. "It seems like it's coming from back the way we came."

"Did you say bats?" Grif cried out in fear. "What bats? Were you talking about bats?"

"Um, just bats in general," Donut replied.

"Don't bullshit me, dude," Grif yelled terrified. "I heard bats!"

Just then, Sarge heard a voice in his helmet. "Hehehey, roho amigo, what's going on?"

Simmons whirled round at the echoing voice and ran back the way they'd come.

"Vic, we need help," Sarge called out. "The Blues have executed a brilliant plan, and it looks like we've fallen for it perfectly. No doubt they're celebrating at our very own base as we speak."

At that moment, at the Red Base, Tex was celebrating… by threatening Church's very life! "Don't move!"

"Ooh, _busted!_" Tucker cheered, whipping out his battle rifle. "Kill him, Tex, I've got fifty-to-one odds if his next death is caused by anyone but Caboose."

Back underground, Simmons followed the echo until he reached the building they had left a few minutes ago. As he stealthily crept inside and approached the monitor room, he could hear Sarge's voice ring down the passage. "We're going to die if we don't get some help over here, Vic."

"Uh, hey dude it's Vic Junior," a second voice replied with a sigh. "We already covered that."

"Fine, Vic Junior," Sarge groaned. "We're going to die if we don't get some help over here."

"Okay, dude, calm down," Vic Jr. reassured. "Take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill, take one of those chill strips, you put in on your tongue, it dissolves, _chill_. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll-"

"Hello?" Simmons called out. "Hello, who's there?"

"Oh no, oh man," Vic Jr. gasped. "I gotta go, bye, try to win."

Simmons peeked into the room but there was nobody there. Then he heard Sarge's voice. "Hello? I don't hear any hold music. Please don't transfer me to India. Hello?"

"Who's talking down there?" Simmons demanded. "Hello?"

"Oh yes, I'm still here, Vic," Sarge's voice called out. "We need help!"

Simmons went inside the room and gasped in amazement. One of the screens was showing his team standing by the underground Blue Base. "_Sarge?_"

"Simmons, is that you?" Sarge called out.

It was then that Simmons noticed a radio set built into the computer. "Uh, y-yes?"

"What the- do you work at Command now?" Sarge cried. "When were you promoted?"

"I don't work at Command," Simmons replied through his radio. "You called me here. It looks like this monitoring equipment is interfering with our radios or something."

"Diabolical," Sarge growled. "Well, get yer keister back here. Red Command is useless."

"There's a newsflash," Grif scoffed.

"Shut up, Grif," Sarge yelled.

"Did that order come from Command?" Grif teased.

"_In fact it did,_" Sarge snarled. "And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!"

As Simmons watched Sarge giving Grif the second hardest beating in his lifetime, he sighed and switched off the radio. "I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war."

Back on the surface, at Red Base, Tex and Tucker kept their weapons trained on Church.

"Tex, I am not O'Malley," Church insisted.

"Bullshit," Tex snapped. "It all makes sense now. You were the one that told Gary where we were, you were the one that wanted me to disable Sheila by moving her to the ship, and you wanted the ignition coil once I'd removed it."

"That's all coincidental," Church cried. "It doesn't make me evil; it just makes me a bad leader."

"Why would Caboose tell me it was you?" Tex scowled.

Church did a double-take. "You're getting information from _Caboose?_"

"Thaaaat's right!" Caboose replied over the radio.

"Dude, I'll tell you what," Church growled. "If you get me killed again, I gotta tell you, this time I'm gonna be a little pissed."

"Sheila told that O'Malley might be inside Blue Leader," Caboose explained.

"And that's you," Tex finished grimly.

"Sheila's crazy, remember?" Church recalled. "Besides, I was never _officially_ promoted to Blue Leader anyway. That's…" His voice trailed off as he had a horrible thought. "Oh no."

At that very moment, in another part of the cave, Lopez had explained to Doc, Junior and Sister (who roughly translated) that the arrival of the Pelican had caused a tremor under him and Andy and the next thing he knew, he was deep underground and Andy was gone.

"So that's how you got here Lopez?" Doc said once he'd finished. "What a strange yet totally believable story."

Lopez then looked past them. "¿Quién es la gringo?" (Who's that guy?)

Doc, Sister and Junior whirled round to see a Spartan-II in regulation blue armor step out of the shadows followed closely by a large green alien.

"Hi there," the Spartan said in a warm-hearted and somewhat tired voice. "I don't think we've met. I'm Captain Butch Flowers, and this is my friend."

"Hi, nice to meet you!" Sister replied then a thought struck her. "Hey, wait, wasn't I sent here to replace you?"

"Honnnk?" Junior cried out, ducking behind Doc's legs.

Flowers looked down at Junoir and gave a sinister smile. "Hey there, **little guy.**" As he spoke, Doc noticed that his voice was fluctuating between his normal tones and a deep scary voice. "I've been waiting a very, **very long time to meet you.**"

And then his eyes flashed red and he broke out into laughter, a sinister laughter that Doc found hauntingly familiar, the terrifyingly evil laughter of… O'MALLEY!

* * *

**Holy bum-nuggets, our old enemy is back with a vengeance!**


	20. Uncommunicado

**It's Episode 97 and things are about to go from bad to worse.**

* * *

Chapter 20: Uncommunicado

At the Red Base, Tex and Tucker kept their weapons trained on Church as he tried to defend his innocence. "I'm not O'Malley," he insisted. "I'm _telling_ you, it's Flowers."

"Liar," Tucker snapped. "Flowers is dead."

"Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker?" Church pointed out. "Where did they go? I certainly didn't sneak over here and scare them off in my _spare_ time, when I wasn't dealing with you and Tex, and that new yellow freak, and that stupid disgusting kid of yours."

"Okay, okay." Tucker sighed as he and Tex lowered their weapons. "Man I hope if Flowers is alive that he doesn't want his armor back. Hey, what's up with the Reds?"

"Where are they?" Tex asked.

"Who knows?" Church replied with a shrug. "Maybe it's lunch time, or maybe the Red army doesn't pay overtime and they all just went home."

"All their stuff is here," Tex recalled. "I don't _think_ they evacuated."

"What _do_ you think, Tex?" Tucker asked.

Tex's face became grim. "I think we may have walked right into a-"

"A trap?" a familiar British voice finished.

Church, Tex and Tucker whirled round to find a Spartan-II in white armor stepping out of the base, a sniper rifle pointed right at them.

"Wyoming!" Tex cried out.

"Okay, see?" Church cut in. "Now if I _was_ O'Malley, I would have known that was gonna happen."

Deep in the caves beneath the canyon, the Reds were trying to work out what to do.

"Shouldn't we rethink this plan?" Grif suggested.

"Why?" Sarge demanded.

"Well," Grif replied. "Now that Simmons has cut us off from Command, we're attacking the enemy base with no support."

"I didn't cut us off from Command," Simmons said.

"You interrupted the radio transmission!" Grif retorted.

"No I didn't! Whoever Sarge was talking to was already down in that cave. I just walked up and started talking to Sarge in the middle of it."

"What the fuck do you think interrupting means?"

"Can it, you two," Sarge bellowed, pushing the privates apart.

"Yeah, you're giving me a headache," a voice added angrily.

The Reds turned round and saw a black glowing ball lying by a stalagmite.

"Andy, is that you?" Simmons called.

"No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis," Andy replied sarcastically. "Pleased to meet you, you dickhead."

"I thought you were busy helping the enemy," Simmons recalled.

"Nah, they didn't need me anymore," Andy sighed tetchily. "Apparently that revived guy learned enough alien language to get by. And then it was 'what have you done for me lately?'"

"Hey," Grif called out, stepping closer to the bomb. "What was that deal they were talking about when I was all drugged out?"

"Grif, I'm proud of you," Donut beamed. "Admitting you _have_ a problem is the first step."

"_Fuck off_, Donut!" Grif yelled.

"Baby steps, Grif," Donut hissed.

"That new alien is here to find the old one," Andy explained. "And he revived the blue guy to help him. But then something happened to him. I don't know what, but he started acting all _funky_."

"The alien revived him?" Simmons asked baffled.

"Yeah," Andy replied. "They don't treat life and death the same way we do. In fact, that little guy that everyone thinks-"

"We don't have time for this," Sarge interrupted impatiently. "Let's go men."

"Wait, take me with you!" Andy called out.

"Andy, we're going into battle unmanned, low on ammo and with _no support_," Sarge explained. "What use could we possibly have for a bomb?"

"I could always act as a lookout, or a spy, or a chef?" Andy replied. "Or you know, you could always use me as a bomb."

But the Reds had already made a dash for the exit, leaving Andy alone in the caves… or so he thought. "Oh, hey Lopez."

"Meh," Lopez scowled. (Up yours.)

Back on the surface, Tex narrowed her eyes at her former colleague. "Wyoming…"

"Ah yes, hello Tex," Wyoming beamed. "So sorry to sneak up on you when you were busy quarrelling about, well whatever it is exactly you people do here. I'm guessing some kind of ditch digging or something."

"Blue Team doesn't even _have_ shovels," Tucker retorted. "It kinda sucks because our guys are the ones who keep dying."

"And it looks like that trend is going to continue," Wyoming chuckled.

"Oh what, you're here for Tex?" Church snapped. "Because if you are… she's right there, all yours buddy. Go for it."

"Yeah, ladies first!" Tucker agreed.

"Not at all," Wyoming replied. "I'm here for your little friend. He's very important to a lot of people."

Church then coughed loudly, hiding the noises of his helmet radio as he switched it on. "Excuse me."

Meanwhile on board Sheila, Caboose was feeling very proud of himself. "Now that Church is possessed by O'Malley and is evil, do you think we'll have to kick him off the team? Then it would just be me and my sidekick Tucker. Oh, that's not a lot of people on the team… Also I don't like Tucker… Oh I know, maybe we could convince one of the Reds to switch sides! Then we can give them Tucker. That would fix both problems!"

"I don't know," Sheila replied slowly. "That doesn't seem like it would work."

Just then, Caboose's radio started ringing. "Oh, Church is calling me, probably to ask me to be his new best friend or to infect me with a horrible computer virus. Excuse me for a minute Sheila, I have to take this."

"Affirmative," Sheila replied.

Caboose switched on his radio. "Yes, hello evil Church, what can I do for you?"

"So Wyoming," Church said accusingly. "You just showed up here and decided to attack us."

"Uh, my name is Caboose," the blue soldier murmured.

"And now you've caught us at gunpoint. And it looks like we're in big trouble."

"Uh, that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number."

"Here at Red Base, Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner, _at the Red Base_, Wyoming."

"Ah, Red Base, no I'm on the ship, the shiiiip." Caboose turned to the main computer of the Pelican. "Sheila, I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, he's talking nonsense."

"If only _some_one nearby, someone with access to a _tank_ somehow knew what was going on and could help us," Church said pointedly. "Someone for instance in _blue armor_ who somehow knew about the situation and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about and tried to fucking help us, and then we could be saved."

"Yeah, he's definitely crazy," Caboose decided. Then he heard a loud rumbling noise and he looked out the window to see the tank rolling across the canyon. "Hey, Sheila, where's the tank part of you going?"

Back at Red Base, Wyoming had confiscated the Blues' weapons and was now escorting them to the roof, but he was getting annoyed at Church. "Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering with fear."

"Yeah," Tucker agreed. "What are you, the narrator now or something?"

Church just shrugged. "I just want everyone to be on the same page about _Wyoming ambushing us __**at the Red Base**_."

"We know," Tucker sighed.

"Wyoming… the bad guy."

"We know!"

"And we're at the Red Base, which isn't the Blue Base, or the caves or the cliffs or that weird tree or the windmill."

"We get it dude, we're standing right here."

"Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you want to write this down?"

"NO!"

"I think your friend here has lost his marbles," Wyoming muttered.

"Oh, you wanna see crazy?" Tucker scowled. "Wait until you try to take my fucking kid! What do you want with him anyway? He never did anything to you."

"It's not what he did," Wyoming smirked. "It's what he's going to do. That child is very special."

"Yeah, I know," Tucker sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess I should have read to him more or something."

"Not that kind of special, you half-wit," Wyoming snapped. "I mean he's important."

"Red Base!" Church yelled. "No one is in the State of Wyoming!"

Some distance away, the Reds had made their way out of the caves and were now standing by some boulders, getting a quick sitrep on everything.

"There's the base," Sarge hissed, pointing to their home.

"It looks like they're in trouble," Simmons added as he peered through the scope of the sniper rifle. "Is that that bounty hunter? That guy's a dick."

"Ha!" Sarge cheered. "The Blues have overextended themselves and spread their forces too thin! Classic blunder… Change of plans, men; instead of hitting Blue Base, we're going to take back our own base!"

But then a loud rumbling shook the ground and Grif spun round to see what was causing it… and gasped in terror. "Tank!"

"Oh, shit!" Simmons cried.

"Free change of plans, men!" Sarge yelled. "Blue Base it is!"

"Fuck this!" Grif agreed as they all ran off in the opposite direction.

Meanwhile, Wyoming had produced three lengths of rope and was tying up the Blues' wrists. He'd finished Church's bonds, thus cutting his secret message short and was now working on Tucker. "That little alien of yours has a very important destiny to fulfill, and we're going to make sure he does it."

"Well, he's not here," Tucker retorted, wincing as he felt the rope tighten. "So guess what, you're shit outta luck."

"I'm well aware," Wyoming sniggered. "My partner's taking care of that little acquisition _right now_. I'm just here to 'tidy up' a bit."

"How'd you sneak up on us anyway?" Tucker demanded as Wyoming finished the knot on his bonds. "Tex, I thought you were supposed to be _good_ at this stealth stuff."

"I am," she replied and as Wyoming approached her with the third rope, she pressed a button on her left wrist and vanished into thin air.

"Wow, that's awesome," Tucker breathed. "Good for you."

"Oh no, Tex has gone invisible," Wyoming declared in feign alarm. "Whatever shall I do? Fretting, worry."

"Dude, I wouldn't sound so smug," Church warned. "She kicked your ass last time and you weren't outnumbered like you are now."

Just then there was a loud rumbling and Church and Tucker turned to see the tank rolling up towards the base.

"Haha, yeah, it worked!" Church cheered. "I can't believe Caboose came through! How do ya like that, Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Booya, motherfucker!"

But Wyoming just let out a chortle. "_Your_ tank? Hohohohooo…"

As he laughed, the tank raised its turret, pointed it at the two Blues and spoke in a very familiar electronic voice. "KNOCK KNOCK, CHURCH."

"Oh, shit!" Church groaned. "Why is it that something dramatic seems to happen _exactly_ every five minutes? I mean, I can't _possibly_ be the only one around here noticing this trend."

* * *

**Agh, he knows the truth!**


	21. Same Old, Same Old

**It's Episode 98, possibly one of the strangest episodes ever in my stories so far.**

* * *

Chapter 21: Same Old, Same Old

On board Sheila, Caboose listened on his radio to Church's voice. "Haha, yeah, it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How do ya like that, Wyoming? We even have our tank now."

Caboose switched off his radio and turned to the main computer. "Sheila, um, did you send the tank out there to help them?"

"Negative," Sheila replied.

"Oh," Caboose muttered. "So the tank went out there on its own."

"Affirmative," she said.

Caboose gasped. "Sheila, I think they might be in trouble."

"Affirmative," she agreed.

"I should _help them!_"

"Affirmative."

"I could go out there-"

"Negative."

"And help them beat Wyoming-"

"Negative."

"And save the day-"

"Nope."

"And everyone will love me!"

"What?"

"Especially Church!"

"My sensors indicate that you don't stand a chance," Sheila warned.

But Caboose didn't hear her as he ran outside. "Thanks Sheila, this is a great plan!"

On the roof of the Red Base, Wyoming kept his sniper trained on Church and Tucker while Gary the tank waited nearby.

"You know, I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank _completely_ unattended," Wyoming chuckled. "It was very kind of you old chap. It makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier."

"Yeah, well great," Church scowled. "Glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time, we'll just kill ourselves and save you some ammo."

Wyoming grinned malevolently. "If it makes you feel better, your death is for a very noble cause."

"What do you want with Tucker's kid anyway?" Church demanded.

Just then, Tucker gasped and looked around in puzzlement. "What? How did we get here?"

Church turned to look at his teal teammate. "Tucker?"

"What!?" Tucker yelled.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With _me?_ What's happening?"

"Um, we're being held prisoner," Church replied, staring at his teammate like he'd lost his marbles. "Where the hell have you been?"

"What?" Tucker gasped. "How? I'm so confused."

"What do you mean _how?_" Church shouted. "Are you retarded?"

"But Tex, she-"

"No, Tex will take him out."

"Oh right, Tex," Wyoming chuckled. "You mean _her?_" And with that, he raised his fist and punched out to his left and with a cry, Tex reappeared and slumped to the ground unconscious. "Poor Tex, she never could figure out when she's been beaten."

Church gasped in alarm. "What? How did you know where she was?"

"What do you mean?" Tucker cried. "That's where she was before."

"Before _what?_" Church yelled. "Tucker, have you gone insane?"

"Wait a minute," Wyoming breathed. "What's going on?"

"I THINK HE KNOWS," Gary hissed.

"I think you're right," Wyoming whispered back.

Just then, Caboose came running over the hill next to the base. "Church, I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!"

"It's the idiot," Wyoming sneered as he looked round. "Take care of him, quickly."

"RIGHT," Gary replied, turning his turret towards the Blue.

"Caboose, no, stay back!" Tucker yelled out. "Don't get near the tank!"

But it was too late. Gary opened fire with his cannon and Caboose was blown backwards into the cliff wall by the explosion.

"CABOOSE, NOOOO!" Church screamed.

At the Blue Base, the Reds watched the scene unfold.

"Whoa," Sarge gasped, lowering the sniper scope. "It looks like the blue one just got killed by the tank."

"A Blue got killed by their own tank?" Simmons shook his head. "Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu."

"Hey, speaking of getting tanked," Grif spoke up, "we should see if the Blues have any beer around here."

"Hiyooo!" Sarge cheered as they set off into the base.

Back at Red Base, Gary turned his turret towards the remaining Blues.

"Go, move!" Tucker yelled, grabbing Church's sniper, then he and Church leapt off the roof and set off into the canyon.

"Look out!" Tucker then shouted as they ran towards Caboose's body, narrowly dodging Gary's next blast.

"Caboose, Caboose!" Church yelled, kneeling by his teammate and checking his pulse. "Ah, fuck, he's not moving!"

"I'm telling you, he's dead just like last time," Tucker persisted.

Church got to his feet and rounded on his teal teammate. "Tucker, you are gonna start making sense, _right now_. That's an order."

"This already happened," Tucker explained. "Wyoming shot Caboose; Tex jumped Wyoming and knocked his gun away and then-"

"Tex is _unconscious!_" Church yelled.

"Fucking A, I know," Tucker cried. "That's what I'm saying!"

Church undid the bonds on his wrists and snatched his sniper from Tucker's hands then he took aim at Wyoming and fired. Incredibly the round stayed straight and hit the bounty hunter right in the gut. With a cry of pain, Wyoming fell off the roof and hit the ground.

"Oh, I hit him, I hit him!" Church cried out incredulously. "I can't believe I- I mean, I knew this sniper was awesome."

"This is just like last time," Tucker gasped. "Once Wyoming lost, everything seemed to-"

Next thing he knew, Tucker found that he and Church were back on the roof of Red Base, tied up once more, and Wyoming was still standing. "Reset," he finished.

"You know, I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank _completely_ unattended," Wyoming chuckled. "It was very kind of you old chap. It makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier."

"Yeah, well great," Church scowled. "Glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time, we'll just kill ourselves and save you some ammo."

Wyoming grinned malevolently. "If it makes you feel better, your death is for a very noble cause."

"What do you want with Tucker's kid anyway?" Church demanded.

"What is going on?" Tucker yelled.

"Um, we're being held prisoner," Church replied, staring at his teammate like he'd lost his marbles. "Where the hell have you been?"

Tucker stared at his leader incredulously. "Church, don't you remember any of this?"

"Tucker, what the fuck are you talking about?" Church shouted.

"HE KNOWS," Gary hissed.

Wyoming nodded in agreement. "How the devil is he keeping up with us?"

"IRRELEVENT," Gary replied. "ELIMINATE HIM."

He raised his turret towards them, but Tucker ducked seconds before the cannon went off.

"Go, move!" Tucker yelled then he and Church jumped off the roof and dashed off into the canyon. "Tex, look out! He knows where you are!"

"What?" Tex shouted, appearing by a boulder in the canyon.

Just then, Caboose came running over the hill next to the base. "Church, I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!"

"Oh shit, I forgot about Caboose!" Tucker cried.

Immediately, Wyoming raised his sniper and fired at Caboose. "Aggh, I am dead!" the Blue yelled as he slumped to the ground.

"CABOOSE, NOOOO!" Church screamed.

At the Blue Base, the Reds watched the scene unfold.

"Yowza!" Sarge cried, lowering the sniper scope. "It looks like the blue one just got sniped!"

"Hey, speaking of getting sniped," Grif spoke up, "we should see if the Blues have any… beer around here…" He trailed off with a confused grimace.

Simmons stared at his teammate puzzled. "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know," Grif admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "It sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it."

Simmons shook his head. "Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu."

Back in the canyon, Tucker let out a groan. "Aw crap."

"What do you mean aw crap?" Church shouted, struggling to untie his bonds. "Caboose just got killed."

"Yeah I know. But I'm pretty sure it's okay. Somehow Wyoming keeps looping us through the same events over and over again, and no one but me seems to remember." Tucker looked back at the Base in time to see Tex take out Wyoming. "I don't know how, but every time he gets hurt, things just start-"

Suddenly they were back on the roof of Red Base, tied up again and Wyoming gloating over them but this time Tucker knew what he had to do to stop the bounty hunter once and for all.

"You know, I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank _completely_ unattended," Wyoming chuckled. "It was very kind of you old chap. It makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier."

"Yeah, well great," Church scowled. "Glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time, we'll just kill ourselves and save you some ammo."

"Yeah, what do you want with my kid anyway?" Tucker snapped.

Wyoming stared at him in amazement. "You don't remember?"

"_Remember?_" Tucker cried in mock confusion while he secretly worked on his bonds. "You never told me anything."

"I THINK IT WORKED THAT TIME," Gary hissed.

"Apparently," Wyoming agreed. "Keep your eye on him next time."

"The fuck are you guys talking about?" Church yelled then he shook his head. "Oh you know what, never mind. Keep talking and waste time until Tex kills you."

"Oh right, Tex," Wyoming chuckled. "You mean _her?_" And with that, he raised his fist and punched out to his left and with a cry, Tex reappeared and slumped to the ground unconscious, and while he was distracted, Tucker threw off his rope, grabbed his sword and pointed it out.

"Oh poor Tex," Wyoming chortled, turning slowly back round. "She never could understand when she was-"

"_Beaten!?_" Tucker pressed the button on his sword so that the glowing blades, as they switched on, stabbed right through the bounty hunter's chest.

Church stared incredulously and Wyoming's jaw dropped. "Oh dear!" was all he said before he died.

"REGGIE," Gary gasped.

"That's right bitch," Tucker sneered, pulling his sword back and kicking Wyoming off the roof. "I take care of my kid."

Just then, Caboose came running over the hill next to the base. "Church, I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!"

"Caboose, get the fuck outta here!" Tucker grabbed Wyoming's sniper and fired at his teammate's feet.

"Okay, bye," Caboose yelped, darting back over the hill. "I don't wanna help anymore."

At the Blue Base, the Reds watched the scene unfold.

"Whoa," Sarge gasped, lowering the sniper scope. "It looks like the white guy just got stabbed."

"Hey, speaking of getting stabbed…" Grif trailed off and scratched his head. "I think I have a headache all of a sudden. For some reason, I want a beer."

Simmons shook his head. "Man I just had the weirdest sense of… uh, what's that thing called? When you think you've done something, but you don't know if you did it?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Grif retorted.

Back at Red Base, Tucker and Church dived off the roof to avoid the infuriated Gary's wrath.

"Tucker, how did you know that was gonna happen?" Church asked.

"Because of Wyoming," Tucker explained while he untied Church's bonds. "You know how Tex said every Freelancer had an AI and a special ability?"

"Yeah," Church replied, rubbing his wrists.

"I think Wyoming can loop us through little segments of time," Tucker replied. "And he keeps doing it over and over again until he wins."

Church then let out a gasp. "Wait, what? How many times did we loop?"

"Who knows?" Tucker replied with a shrug. "But it doesn't matter now. That cocksucker's dead."

"No, no, it _does_ matter," Church yelled, leading Tucker towards the base's entrance. "Don't you remember when we came here to begin with? _I_ got stuck in a loop and every time I went back, I left a bunch of-" Church stopped speaking as they ran into the base… and found themselves face to face with twenty Wyomings! "Copies," he finished.

"Hello," the Wyomings all said before bursting into simultaneous laughter.

* * *

**And now things have gone from worse to completely and utterly worst.**


	22. Repent, The End is Near

**I think the title of this penultimate episode speaks for itself.**

* * *

Chapter 22: Repent, the End Is Near

In the underground caves of Blood Gulch, Flowers/O'Malley had led Doc and Sister into the monitor room while his alien friend carried Junior behind. In the room, two other aliens restrained Doc and Sister and now O'Malley was giving his report to Vic Jr., the AI in the monitor's console.

"**Yes, everything is coming together as planned,**" he sniggered into the radio. "**And these fools still have no idea. Once the little one gets his sword, there will be no stopping us!**"

"Hey what about the other guy, dude?" Vic Jr. asked worryingly. "Does he know about the thing with the thing?"

"**No, that beast doesn't suspect anything,**" O'Malley reassured. "**Everything has played right into our hands.** **MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!**" The aliens looked up at this and he cleared his throat. "**Okay maybe that was a little loud. Huahahahaha. There, that's better.**"

Meanwhile in the canyon, Church and Tucker fled for their lives as the Wyomings opened fire on them.

"They're getting away!" one Wyoming yelled.

"Cut them off!" another one ordered.

"Come on!" Tucker shouted.

"Why aren't you affected by any of this?" Church panted.

"Remember the sniper shot!" a third Wyoming yelled.

"He said it had something to do with the sword," Tucker explained, raising his sniper and shooting a fourth Wyoming in the head.

"I _told_ you to watch for the sniper shot," the third Wyoming sighed.

"Who said?" Church asked. "When?"

"Just trust me!" Tucker spun round and shot the first Wyoming off the roof of the Red Base. "Head for the cliff; that's where Tex will be!"

"Are you sure?" Church shouted as he ran past him.

"No, not that way!" Tucker called.

Church looked up and spotted another Wyoming pointing his assault rifle at him. "Now I've got you!"

Church quickly ducked his head, allowing Tucker to shoot the double right in the face.

"Hey, you know what?" Church chuckled, jumping to his feet and running in a different direction. "I kinda like this new all-knowing badass Tucker. He's certainly a lot better than the old one."

"No, the other way!" Tucker shouted.

Church ran between some rocks… and found himself staring down the barrel of Gary's cannon! "KNOCK KNOCK, CHURCH."

"_Son of a bitch!_" Church dived aside just before Gary opened fire.

"I meant the other, other way," Tucker called sheepishly as he rejoined his leader. "My bad, dude."

"I take back what I said," Church snapped. "You still suck."

Tucker then spotted Tex appearing behind a large boulder and he and Church ran over to her. "Okay, Tex, perfect," he sighed. "Now listen-"

"What the hell?" Tex interrupted crossly. "Why do you guys keep giving away my position?"

"It doesn't matter, they know you're here anyway." Tucker glanced over his shoulder and gasped. "DUCK!"

Quickly Church and Tex dropped down and then a sniper bullet whizzed through the spot where their heads used to be. "Whoops, I hit a rock," the third Wyoming said.

"See?" Tucker said.

"Tex, this is almost gonna be difficult to explain," Church told his ex. "But he knows exactly what's going on and we just need to trust him."

"Trust _him?_" Tex cried. "Ten minutes ago, he shot me."

"Yeah, well that's I mean," Church stammered. "You know, come on, it's kind of a bitch. But don't worry; I'm sure he has an awesome plan, right Tucker?"

"Right," Tucker agreed. "Now you guys stay here and distract the Wyomings, I'm gonna go take care of that fucking tank."

"_Distract_, how?" Church asked.

"Not getting killed is a great way to start!" Tucker called, running towards a hill. "Watch your back!"

Just then, gunshots started hitting the dirt near Church's feet. "Jesus!"

By the hill, Tucker spotted his blue teammate and ran over to him. "Caboose, are you ready to help? I need you to do something."

"Great," Caboose replied eagerly.

Tucker nodded. "I need you to run out there and get the tank to shoot at you and try to draw it closer to the ship. It's gonna be really dangerous a-"

"Okay!" Caboose cried.

"Caboose, that's why I always liked you," Tucker laughed. "Everything falls into two categories: either you don't understand it, or you just don't care."

"Yeah, I don't really know what you mean by that. But I guess it doesn't matter."

"Exactly."

"Why didn't you have Tex or Church help?" Caboose then gasped. "Is it because I'm the best?"

"No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now."

"Really? How come?"

"Because I got to use a sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round into her ass."

Caboose giggled at this. "Hey chicka bum-bum."

"Caboose, what did I tell you about that?" Tucker snapped.

"Sorry, sorry."

Carefully Caboose stepped out from behind the hill and spotted Gary nearby. "Hey, big mean tank jerk!" he yelled. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

At this, Gary turned round and started rolling towards the Blue.

"Ha, that's more like it…" Caboose murmured. "Uh oh."

He started backing away from the tank and glanced over his shoulder to where Sheila was. "Okay, uh, Tucker, uh here it comes," he called nervously. "Tucker? Uh, Tucker?"

He then hit a boulder and gulped as Gary drew closer. "Um yeah, I-I didn't really mean anything. I-I just wanted to say, um… Hi?"

As Gary raised his turret towards him, Tucker came running up from behind, carrying one end of a long thick cable in his hand. Kneeling down behind the tank, he lifted the back panel cover and plugged the cable in. "Now, Sheila!"

"Affirmative," Sheila called back.

Tucker jumped as the panel started sparking and Gary turned his turret towards him. "WHAT NOOOOOOuuuuuuu…" The turret drooped down and the tank was silent.

Tucker switched on his radio. "Did you get him, Sheila?"

"I have him!" Sheila reported. "He's currently isolated behind a firewall. He's attempting to get through, but it will take some time. He's not that smart."

"I HEARD THAT," Gary's voice yelled.

"Great," Tucker cried, running back towards the Red Base. "Caboose, stay here, I'll be back in a bit."

"Okay, but I still don't know what's happening." Caboose then looked at the motionless tank and cautiously raised a hand to it. "Good tank? Nice tank?"

Meanwhile, on the roof of the Blue Base, the Reds watched the ongoing battle between the Blues and the Wyomings.

"Man, that seems like a really big fight," Simmons muttered.

"Yeah, it looks like they don't stand much of a chance," Sarge chuckled. "Ah, those Blues are finally getting what they deserve. I always knew this day would come."

Donut stared at his leader in amazement. "You mean you knew that the Blues would be killed by an unknown group of cloned enemies while in control of _our_ base and while we were in control of theirs? _Seriously_, you knew that was coming?!"

"Absolutely," Sarge replied with a smug grin. "It's so obvious. Ohhh, what a glorious day to be Red."

Grif nodded in agreement. "And the best part of all is that the Blues are finally gonna be driven out of the canyon, and we get to sit on the sidelines. Man, someone does all the battling and we just have to kick back and let them take the glory while we enjoy the benefits. We don't have to do anything."

Sarge growled and glared at Grif who realized what he'd just said and sighed. "You know, one of these days, and I don't know when, I'm gonna learn to shut my fucking mouth."

In the canyon, Tex and Church stood back to back, pointing their assault rifles at the approaching Wyomings.

"Okay," Church said. "I'll take the ones on the right; you take the ones on the left."

"There's twice as many on the left," Tex pointed out.

"I know, I can count," Church murmured.

"Just keep backing them up!" Tucker yelled from the hill.

"Why?" Church yelled as loud ranchero music started to build up. "What are we waiting- Wait a sec, what the hell is that music?"

In response, Tucker glanced over his shoulder and then jumped aside… as seconds later, the Warthog Mk 2 came barreling over the hill, bowling over most of the Wyomings as it veered left. Sarge then stood up in the passenger seat, raised his trusty shotgun and shot another Wyoming in the face. "YEAH!" he cheered. "Now that's what I call riding shotgun! Blammo, hahaha!"

"Excellent shot and follow-up one-liner, Sir," Simmons called from behind the machinegun.

"Thank you Simmons," Sarge called, shooting another Wyoming that was trying to get onto Grif's side. "Now get to blastin'!"

"On it Sir!" Simmons opened fire with the machinegun, mowing down the Wyomings like wheat before the scythe. "Yeah, suck it Blue, and you too, White! Suck it, crackers!"

"Crackers?" Grif cried from the driver's seat. "I thought you were Dutch-Irish?"

"Fuck that shit! Shut up and drive," Simmons yelled as he fired.

With a nod, Grif drove forward and ran over three Wyomings in quick succession while Simmons shot three others. The rest of the Wyomings tried to flee over the hill but then Donut zoomed over it on his hover-scooter and drove over them, cheering and whooping as he went.

As Simmons took out the last few stragglers, Caboose came charging over the hill. "Hey Reds! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

The Reds looked round and Grif drove the Warthog towards the Blue as he turned and fled.

From behind the boulder, Church looked out and stared at Tucker. "Uh, is he gonna be okay?"

"I am Caboose, the vehicle destroyer!" they heard their teammate shout.

"Yeah, probably," Tucker replied with a shrug.

Church stared out at the carnage on the field then he spotted movement amongst the bodies. "Hey, one of them is still alive."

Lying on his front in a pool of his own blood, the last, mortally wounded Wyoming stretched out a hand to grab a nearby pistol, but Tucker ran up and snatched it away. Then Church rolled Wyoming onto his back, trod on his chest and pointed his assault rifle right at his face. "What's your plan, Wyoming?" he demanded. "Why are you here and what do you want with Junior?"

"He already told me," Tucker explained. "My kid is the last part of the big prophecy we thought failed. He's supposed to become some big religious savior for their whole race, or some crap."

"What?" Tex gasped.

"Yeah," Tucker replied with a nod. "So they wanna make Junior fulfill the prophecy and have O'Malley infect him. Then they can use him to enslave all the aliens by corrupting their religion from the _inside_."

"Okay, that's disgusting," Church grimaced.

"No," Wyoming groaned. "That's our job… to win the war… at any cost…"

"Yeah, well good luck," Church snapped. "Now that we have you, all we need to do is stop O'Malley. And Tex will be _more_ than happy to do that."

"Oh, on the contrary… my friend," Wyoming half-coughed, half-chuckled. "Now that… she knows our plan… not only will she… not stop us; our dear Tex… is going to help us."

"Oh yeah," Church scoffed. "I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley, isn't that right Tex?" But when no reply came, he turned to face her. "Tex?"

"He's right," Tex sighed then she switched on her radio. "This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting on an open channel."

Church gasped in horror. "Tex, what are you doing?!"

"You want me O'Malley?" Tex yelled through her radio. "Come and get me!"

* * *

**Whoa, I did not call this happening!**


	23. Why Were We Here?

**At last, we have reached the grand finale of the Blood Gulch Chronicles!**

* * *

Chapter 23: Why Were We Here?

In another part of the canyon, Caboose ducked behind some boulders and listened as the Reds drove past on the Warthog, calling out to him.

"Hey Caboose!" Simmons called. "Come out so we can shoot you, you _fuckstick!_"

"Caboose!" Grif shouted. "Where did he go?"

"I don't see 'im," Sarge muttered. "Caboose!"

"Come out, Caboose," Simmons yelled again. "All we wanna do is shoot you!"

"Don't listen to them, it's a trick," Caboose hissed to himself.

Just then the Warthog's radio switched on and Tex's voice called out, "This is Freelancer Tex broadcasting on an open channel."

Then Church's voice called out, "This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel."

"Why are the Blues on the radio?" Grif asked.

"Who knows?" Simmons jumped out of the jeep and switched on his helmet radio. "Hey Blues, shut the fuck up! Get off our radios and quit running our batteries down!"

Then suddenly he flinched as he felt a strange presence in his mind then he heard himself say in an evil voice, "**Do it now, or I will kill every last one of you, and then everyone else here as well just to prove a point! Muahahahahahaaa!**"

"Whoa, Simmons, hey," Grif cried out. "Don't you think that was a little over the top?"

"**Suck it you fool!**" Simmons yelled, glaring at his teammate with glowing red eyes.

"And what's wrong with your voice?" Sarge asked.

"**Nothing!**" Simmons sneered. "**Why does something have to be wrong with **_**my**_** voice? Maybe something's wrong with **_**your**_** voice. Ever think about that, **_**cocksucker?**_"

"Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?" Grif reminded him.

"I mean, cocksucker, Sir!" Simmons corrected in his normal voice before laughing evilly.

Meanwhile by the Red Base, Tex executed the last Wyoming while Church kept calling over his radio, "This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel."

"What are you doing?" Tex yelled.

"I'm making _you_ harder to find," Church retorted. "Tucker, turn on your radio!"

"Fuck that!" Tucker yelled. "If O'Malley gets me, he'll get my sword."

"Attention all Blues!" Church called in his radio. "Turn on your radio and start broadcasting right now!"

"Okay, I'm on the radio too now," Caboose replied. "_This is fun._ What do you want to talk about?"

Church laughed and turned to his ex. "Well, he can't find you now, Tex."

"Don't get involved, Church," Tex warned. "Omega wants me, he can _have_ me."

"Why?" Church yelled. "So you can kidnap Tucker's kid and enslave an entire race?"

"Yeah, what's up with that, bitch?" Tucker agreed.

"We have to win the war, Church," Tex said.

"Well, what about after?" Church snapped. "You think Omega's just gonna stop after he gets a whole species for an army? He's gonna take over everything Tex, and you're not gonna be able to stop him!"

"I guess we'll find out," Tex replied with a shrug.

Just then Doc's voice called out through the radio, "Hey uh, Church? It's Doc. Yeah uh, you remember that Blue Leader guy down here? Well, he just keeled over. So I think O'Malley's on his way, just FYI."

"Tex, shut off your radio," Church ordered.

Tex just raised her fist at him. "I would get away from me if I were you."

Church got back on the radio. "Doc, you've any idea where he went?"

"I have no idea," Doc admitted. "And those alien buddies of his took off with Junior too. If you want, I could look for them on this computer down here."

"_Computer_, what?" Church yelled.

In the underground monitor room, Doc nodded as he glanced at the screens. "Yeah, it's showing us the whole canyon. What's with all the dead white guys?"

"What computer?" Church repeated. "Well, whatever… Listen, just keep looking for him and tell me if you find him."

"Okay," Doc replied, switching off his radio.

Sister meanwhile was sitting next to Flowers' body. "Hey, uh shouldn't you try to help this guy?"

"What?" Doc asked.

"Aren't you like the Medic or something?" Sister reminded him.

"Yeah okay, whatever," Doc sighed. "Shut up, you talk too much."

As he knelt by the body and got to work, Sister looked up at the monitors. "Hey, you think I could use this thing to check MySpace?"

On the surface, Tex, Church and Tucker raised their weapons and pointed them at each other in a Mexican standoff.

"Tex, is he in there?" Church asked suspiciously.

"No," Tex replied. "Is he in you?"

"Bullshit, I think you're lying," Church snapped. "I think that-"

Suddenly they heard Simmons calling through their radio in an evil voice, "**Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with **_**my**_** voice? Maybe something's wrong with **_**your**_** voice. Ever think about that, **_**cocksucker?**_"

Immediately, Tex pushed past Church and set off to where the Reds were.

"Fuck!" Church yelled. "Tucker, stop her!"

Tucker pulled a plasma grenade from his belt and flung it at Tex, but it missed her and hit the canyon wall, causing a small avalanche when it exploded.

Meanwhile, Donut rejoined his team as Sarge and Grif were berating Simmons, unaware that O'Malley was currently residing in his head.

"Hey, who are you calling a buffoon?" Grif shouted. "I'm not a buffoon. I don't even know what a buffoon is!"

"Both of you shut up," Sarge scolded.

"Seriously what is that, some kind of monkey?" Grif asked. "It's a monkey, isn't it?"

"**You fool!**" O'Malley snapped

Just then, Church came running up to them. "Hey Reds!"

At once the Reds raised their weapons at him. "Freeze, you dirty Blue!" Sarge bellowed.

"No, no, no, no, no," Church called out. "Hey, I'm here to help. Omega's on the loose and I think he's infected one of your guys."

"Infected?" Sarge gasped. "Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, Men!" With that, he whirled round and shot Grif right in the stomach.

"Ow!" Grif yelled as he was knocked to the ground. "What the fuck!?"

"I didn't say who," Church shouted. "I think it's actually Simmons."

"That's okay," Donut replied, dismounting from the scooter as Sarge slammed the butt of his gun into Grif's ribs for good measure. "That's how _all_ our emergency plans begin."

In the distraction, O'Malley leapt behind the machinegun and pointed it at the Reds.

"Simmons, get off that gun right now!" Sarge commanded.

"**No!**" O'Malley shouted.

Sarge gasped. "What did you say to me?"

"**I said no! Hahahaha, how do you like that? NO!**"

"Well, since you asked, I don't like it at all!"

"**First, I'm going to kill **_**you.**_** And then my plan to be Leader of the Reds will be complete! After that, I'm going to kill **_**every being in the Universe!**_** From now on, everyone will kiss _my_ ass! Hahahahahaa!**"

"Uh, yeah, it's definitely Simmons that got infected," Church decided.

"Well, no shit," Sarge retorted. "Donut, initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!"

"On it, Sir!" Donut then raised his machine gun and fired into Grif's chest.

"Ow-how-how-how!" Grif yelped before making gagging noises.

"Donut, I said plan _eleven!_" Sarge yelled.

"Where am I gonna get a steamroller?" Donut retorted.

"Simmons, do not fire that weapon," Sarge shouted. "That's an order!"

"**Too late, Sarge!**" O'Malley jeered. "**Simmons is getting a promotion. Muahahahaha-**"

But then Tex leapt out from behind a rock and kicked O'Malley right in the legs.

"**Ow, the back of my legs!**" O'Malley yelped, falling off the machine gun then Tex started pounding on him. "**Ow, the side of my head, the back of my face, the front of my front!**"

Just then Tucker came running up. "Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!"

"Thanks for the update!" Church sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Tex, I know now might not be the best time," Sarge said. "But I'd really like you to consider coming over to the Red Team. Technically, you know, black is just a really dark shade of red. We'll talk later."

At that moment, Caboose came running over the hill. "Church, are we still talking on the radio?"

Then he flinched and called out in a familiar evil voice, "**Muahahahahaha! Because I'd love to talk on the radio… What? What am I doing in this idiot?**"

Acting quickly, Tex ran over, jumped out of her robot body and leapt into Caboose, making him cry out "**Hegagergerk!**"

"Oh, crap," Church sighed. "Sarge, I need you to do me a favor. If I'm not outta there in ten minutes, I'm gonna need you to disable that ship, 'cos if Tex gets out of here with O'Malley and that kid, there's no one that's gonna be able to stop her."

With that, he ran over to Caboose, dumped his body, closed his eyes and jumped into his teammate's mind.

"What the hell is he talking about?" Sarge asked puzzled.

"Oh, Tex and Omega have some kind of stupid plan to enslave the whole alien race," Tucker explained. "But Church thinks if she does, she's gonna become the Queen of the Universe or some shit."

Donut gasped at this. "Queen of the Universe? No one even told me we were having a competition!"

Meanwhile, as the rushing feeling faded, Church slowly opened his eyes to find himself in a familiar place: the concrete and derelict metal world that is Caboose's mind. "Oh, crap."

Back in the real world, Sarge stared at the two robot bodies that Church and Tex had abandoned. "What in Sam Hell just happened here?"

"I'll tell you what happened." Grif staggered to his feet, clutching his wounds. "My own fucking teammate-" But then Simmons stood up and shot him in the head. "OW!"

"Nice to have you back, Simmons," Sarge beamed.

"Thank you Sir," Simmons replied, rubbing his head. "It's good to _be_ back, cocksucker."

"Alright then," Sarge said. "Let's go blow up that ship."

"Hey," Tucker shouted. "Church said to wait until he gets out."

"Well, that's a nice idea son," Sarge replied. "But blowing stuff up ain't a democracy. Simmons, where can we get some explosives?"

"Well, if you recall," Simmons replied. "We recently saw Andy the bomb and Lopez in one of the caves, so-"

"Of course, come on men!" Sarge yelled, racing back towards the caves. "Let's go ask _Lopez_ if he knows where we can find some explosives!"

"Excellent plan, Sir," Simmons sighed as he and the other Reds set off after him.

Meanwhile, in Caboose's mind, Church wandered through the hallways and noticed how run-down the place was. Several walkways had been broken in half and some of the pillars were on their side.

"Man this place has _really_ gone to hell," he muttered to himself. "I guess maintenance isn't a priority." He cupped his hands over his helmet filter and called out, "Caboose! Tex! Anyone in here?" Then he heard footsteps from behind a lone upright pillar. "What was that?" he murmured as he approached. "Caboose? Tex? Omega?"

Just then Simmons leapt out from behind the pillar and raised his assault rifle at Church. "Freeze!" he stammered shakily then he called over his shoulder, "Look, I captured someone! I'm the best! I mean I'm the best one that isn't Caboose!"

At once the other Reds came out of hiding and ran over to their teammate.

"Great job, Simon," Grif called in a scratchy voice.

"Thanks, orangish guy whose name I really don't remember," Simmons replied.

"Let's all go shopping to celebrate," Donut cheered in a voice exactly like a schoolgirl.

"Arr, let's be making him walk the plank," Sarge added in a pirate-like voice.

Church then remembered that they were actually Caboose's mental images of the Reds. "Oh, hey Reds," he beamed. "Hey, have you guys seen Omega or Tex?"

"Stop asking questions!" Simmons yelled. "We don't like questions in here. Thinking of answers makes people heads hurt."

Just then a teal figure with a glowing sword in one hand leapt down from a broken walkway. "Hey guys, what's up?"

Church stared at the new figure. "Tucker, how did _you_ get in here?"

"I'm in here all the time," Tucker replied with a dazed look on his face. "I have this sword now. You might think it's cool but it isn't. Nobody wants to play with it because it's dumb and even though I don't let people play with it, no one cares anyway… because it's dumb."

Church sighed and mentally kicked himself for forgetting. "Oh, right. Tucker…"

"Also I'm stupid and ugly," Tucker added to drive the proof home. "And my butt stinks… like a butt."

"Alright, alright, okay," Church cut in quickly. "Okay, guys listen. I need you to take me to Mister Caboose, can you do that?"

Simmons gasped in dread. "Why would we do _that?_"

"Oh uh, because I am…" Church sighed, knowing he was going to regret this. "…because I'm his best friend."

"Oh," Simmons said brightening. "Nice to meet you."

So the Reds and Tucker escorted Church over to a large podium where he could see the mental image of Caboose standing in a superior pose, surveying all he could see.

"Jolly good day, Mister Caboose," Sarge called up in a Cockney accent. "We be having a prisoner for you we do."

"I thought you had a _pirate_ accent!" Church cried.

"Arr, I'm not very consistent," Sarge admitted.

"Caboose, hey," Church called out. "It's me, Church."

"Yes, hello Church," Caboose replied intellectually. "You must be very happy to see me."

"Yeah, right, of course," Church muttered through gritted teeth. "I'm so happy I wanna fucking puke."

Then a figure in yellow armor came up and stood next to Caboose. "Hey, what's up?" it muttered in a rather bored version of Church's voice.

"Hey, who the fuck are you?" Church said before he noticed the yellow armor. "Sister?"

"Yep, I'm Sister, Church's twin brother," the figure replied dismally. "I came here in a spaceship that came from the moon. It crashed next to Blue Base, and now I live with Caboose, and the people from the tail section of the spaceship live on the other side of the island."

"What the fuck…" Church muttered. "That's like wrong in eight different ways."

"Yeah, I know," the yellow Church sighed. "Tell me about it."

Church glared at the double of his blue teammate. "Caboose, do you ever listen to anything that we tell you?"

"New Church is my best friend," Caboose replied, placing an arm over the yellow Church's shoulder.

"I would argue with that too," New Church replied with a shrug. "But what's the point?"

"Did I mention that I had a baby?" Tucker cut in. "But I won't tell anyone how babies are made, not that it matters because everyone knows how anyway. Stupid _babies_…"

"Okay, enough," Church snapped. "Has anyone seen Tex or Omega? I'm in kind of a rush."

"I haven't," Simmons replied. "But you know who might know? Those two new people that we saw fighting over by the ramp… we could ask _them_."

"Okay, let's go do that," Church agreed.

Soon, Church, Tucker and the Reds arrived by a pillar and Church peeked round to see two Spartans in black armor standing by a ramp, just like Simmons had described. Church knew which one was Tex because of the blue ice diamond ring on the chain round her neck so he figured the other must be Omega. But something was terribly wrong.

"Oh shit, they're not fighting," he hissed. "That's bad for me." He turned to the double of his teal teammate. "Alright Tucker quick, I need you to jump out there and kill them with your sword. If they die in here, they'll get forced out of Caboose's head."

"No way," Tucker retorted. "That sounds scary, you do it. I wanna get back to my busy day smelling butts."

"Dude, I can't, your sword only works for y-" Church stopped as a thought crossed his mind. "Wait a minute. There's no way he understands that. Fuck it, give me the sword dude."

In the real world, the Reds ran back out the caves towards Sheila. Sarge was carrying Andy and Donut had Lopez under his arm.

"Okay, Andy," Sarge told the bomb as they arrived. "We're gonna need you to get in that ship and explode. You think you can take out the whole thing?"

"You bet!" Andy replied earnestly. "Just say the word and I'll detonate. Man, this is gonna be _great!_"

"Hello Lopez," Sheila called out.

Lopez gasped in amazement. "¿Sheila? ¿El es tú?" (Sheila? Is that you?)

"Yes," she replied. "It is good to see you again."

"Whoaho, Lopez!" Andy jeered. "It looks like your girlfriend's put on a little weight!"

"Andy, that's rude," Donut scolded.

"What?" Andy retorted. "You were all thinking it. I mean, I'm just saying. Some should seriously consider switching to unleaded."

Back in Caboose's head, Tex was finishing her negotiations with Omega. "But I have your word that none of them will be hurt."

"Tex, get away from him!"

Tex and Omega whirled round as Church leapt out of hiding swinging his borrowed sword before he charged forward and stabbed Omega right in the chest, killing him instantly. "BOOYA!"

"No!" Tex yelled. "Dammit, Church!"

She raised her gun but Church ducked aside as she fired then he ran up and thrust the sword into her chest, killing her too.

"Awesome, I'm like a fucking Jedi!" Church cheered then he watched as Tex and Omega disappeared. "Aw fuck, they're both dead." He looked to where the Reds were watching. "Quick, somebody kill me. Quick, hurry please, somebody, _anybody!_ Please just fucking kill me!"

"Why?" Simmons asked puzzled.

"Because I need to get outta here," Church yelled. "Come on please, hurry, quick, just kill me please! Hurry, it'll be fun, I'm a dick!"

"None of our guns work," Simmons replied. "We just have them for show."

"Mine is just a purse," Donut added.

"Gah, you know, never mind." Church pulled a plasma grenade off his belt, switched it on and dropped it by his feet.

Seconds before it went off, New Church ran up to him. "Hey can I ask you one quick que-"

KABOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! The grenade's explosion sent Church flying out of Caboose's mind and back into the real world where he crashed by his teammate's feet.

As he looked up, he saw that Tucker was lying groaning next to his body. "Caboose, what happened?"

"Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker _which was awesome_ and took his sword," Caboose explained. "Also, someone may have been surprised by that and peed his pants, just a little bit… or a lot."

Church jumped quickly to his feet, avoiding the puddle under Caboose's legs. "I was only behind him like thirty seconds," he growled, getting back into his body then he realized that Tex's body was gone. "What the fuck? Where is she?"

"She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship," Caboose continued. "I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now."

"Fuck!" Church yelled. "What about O'Malley, where is he?"

In answer, he heard Donut laughing in a very evil voice. "**Huahahahahah! That's the problem with living in a Patriarchal society; men just automatically assume _they know everything_. Hahaha!**"

"Never mind," Church sighed as he and Caboose ran towards the ship.

Behind them, New Church appeared out of nowhere and fell down beside one of the dead Wyomings. "Huh, what is this place?" he murmured then he spotted the helmetless body. "Hey buddy, are you okay? What's that noise?"

And the next thing he knew, he was on a snowy plain and he looked up to see hundreds of copies of the original Church staring at him. "Well, fuck."

Back at Blood Gulch, Tucker got slowly to his feet and looked round to see Captain Flowers come staggering out of the caves followed by Doc and Sister.

"Hello fellas," Flowers called out wearily. "How's everything going out here?"

"Not good," Tucker admitted. "Hey, you don't sound evil anymore."

"Thanks for noticing, Private. Yeah, being possessed by an evil force can be difficult at times, but with a little hard work and positive thinking, you can overcome anything."

"I think you mean hard work, positive thinking _and_ no longer being useful as a pawn in their evil plan."

"Yeah that too," Flowers chuckled unaware of the random sniper rounds hitting the grassy mound behind him. "So, who are we fighting today?"

"Uh, you know the usual. Tex, Red Team-"

"Red Team, those old rascals… Some things never change. Are they still wearing red armor these days?"

"Umm, yeah."

"Oh, Red Team."

"Hey I could use some help."

"You bet," Flowers beamed. "And I have some information about the Reds that will guarantee our victory."

"You do?!" Tucker gasped.

"I certainly do," Flowers chuckled. "Would you like to hear it?"

"Yeah, I wanna hear it!"

"Great, because I'm just about to tell you!"

Tucker waited with anticipation but Flowers didn't say anything. "Okay, why aren't you telling me?"

"Good question," Flowers muttered. "I seem to be dramatically pausing for some-" But then a sniper round hit him right through his visor and he fell to the ground, breathing his last. "Hurk, bleah!"

"Well, good riddance," Tucker sighed as he, Doc and Sister set off for the ship. "I wasn't giving this armor back anyway."

Meanwhile, Church and Caboose arrived by Sheila and they saw Sarge, Simmons and Grif pointing their guns at Donut who was glaring at them with glowing red eyes.

"Whoa, easy Donut," Simmons called calmly. "You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it."

"**Whahahahaha, no!**" O'Malley yelled. "**It's _my_ body, it's _my_ choice! And another thing: why do I do as much work as you guys, but I only make 92%-**"

Suddenly Tex appeared out of nowhere and punched Donut in the back of the head, knocking him down.

"Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission," Sarge bellowed. Then he flinched before glaring at Tex with glowing red eyes and snarling, "**I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. Wahahahaha, yeah! Eat lead, world. Drop and give me infinity!**"

"Sarge, you've finally gone crazy," Grif cried out.

Then Tex punched Sarge in the back of his head and Grif then flinched and looked around with glowing red eyes. "**Whoa, that's weird,**" he muttered in a dopey evil voice. "**I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe which odd for me because, well that would take actual **_**work**_**… I think I'll just fall asleep instead.**"

Tex ran up to punch Grif, but then she saw that he had fallen asleep inside his helmet.

Just then, Tucker, Doc and Sister ran over the hill. "We're here," Doc called out. "Is anyone hurt?"

Then he flinched and Tucker and Sister stared in horror as he rounded on them, grinning evilly and his eyes glowing red. "**Anyone need to be killed? Huahahahahahahaaa!**"

"I know that laugh," Church gasped, spinning round. "Nobody move!"

But Sister screamed and punched Doc in the face, knocking him down and as he did, Church suddenly flinched and then… his eyes glowed red and he looked up puzzled. "You know, uh… I don't really feel all that different," he admitted in his very normal voice. "Mha ha ha ha ha, huh huh huh… Nah, it feels pretty much the same; that's kinda weird. I mean, I expected more-"

Tex then ran up and punched Church in the back of his head. He wasn't knocked down, but he felt O'Malley leave his mind. "Where'd he go, where'd he go?" he cried. "Is he gone?" Then he had a horrible thought and turned round just in time to see Tex flinch. "Tex?"

"Church, run!" Tex yelled in a strained voice.

"Tex, _don't!_" Church reached out and grabbed her helmet, intending to rip it off and prevent O'Malley getting in.

But as he did, Tex lifted her head and stared at him… with glowing red eyes! "**You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in!**"

With a laugh, she raised her fist and punched Church right in the face. As he fell back, his hand grabbed the diamond ring on the chain round her neck and ripped it off, moments before he landed flat on his back.

Tex/O'Malley then ran off towards Sheila. Church got up on his elbows and watched as she ran over to the ramp where three aliens were waiting, one holding Junior and another carrying Wyoming's helmet.

"Wait, Tex," Church yelled, jumping to his feet as she and the aliens ran aboard the ship. "You don't want to do this!"

Once on board, O'Malley reinstalled the ignition coil then ran over to the flight deck and took the pilot's seat next to the main computer. "**Sheila, are you ready?**"

"All systems online," Sheila announced. "Ignition coil activated. Starting thrusters."

"**Launch when ready!**" O'Malley ordered.

"Please take your seats," Sheila called. "Launching in three… two… one…"

As the thrusters began to warm up and the main door slid shut, Church ran over to the front of the ship and stared at his girlfriend through the cabin window. "Tex… _don't do this_."

"Liftoff!" Sheila called.

Church jumped back as the ship took off and Tex glanced sadly out the window with her normal eyes. "Goodbye."

Church then turned to look at the Reds. "We have to stop her right now!"

"No problemo, Blue," Sarge replied, switching on his radio. "Andy, are you there?"

"I'm here coach!" Andy replied.

"What's going on?!" Church yelled over his radio.

"Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer," Andy reported.

"You ready for your job, soldier?" Sarge asked.

"You bet!"

"Alright then son," Sarge purred. "Do what you were born to do. Detonate."

"Hey, you want me to start from ten or three?" Andy giggled. "Come on, let's build up a little suspense, it'll _kill_ them." Then he spoke in a dull monotone. "Ten…"

Church gasped in horror. "I told to disable the ship-"

"Nine…"

"Not destroy it!"

"Eight…"

"Oh well," Sarge muttered. "Score one for the Red Team, I guess."

"Seven…"

"What about my kid?" Tucker cried.

"Six…"

"Oh right," Sarge realized.

"Five…"

"Score two."

"Four…"

Church got on the radio. "Andy, do not detonate!"

"Three…"

"Can you see her heading?"

"Two…"

"Do you know where she's going?!"

"One!"

By then the ship had reached the highest point in the sky and then suddenly… it disintegrated with a bright blue-green flash.

Church's jaw dropped and he fell to his knees. "Tex?"

"Boo, no explosion," Grif jeered. "That sucked."

He turned away angrily… and just as he did, an explosion as big as the biggest firework lit up the sky with a loud booming roar.

"Haha, blammo!" Sarge cheered.

"Wow," Donut breathed. "That explosion was awesome!"

"What explosion?" Grif yelled as he looked round. "I didn't see it! Do it again!"

Tucker went over to his leader and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Uh, Church, what should we do?"

**(A.N: Okay, now I give you readers a choice. If you want to read the first ending, keep going. If you want to see the other two, LOOK IT UP!)**

Church bowed his head and looked at the diamond ring in his hand before closing it into a fist and getting to his feet. "Do whatever you want," he sighed. "I'm going home."

"Yeah, fuck this," Tucker agreed as he, Caboose and Sister set off back to Blue Base.

Simmons watched them go then turned to his leader. "Sarge… are we fighting?"

"No, Simmons," Sarge muttered, picking up Lopez's head. "I think they've had their asses kicked enough for one day. Let's leave some for tomorrow."

At the top of the hill outside Blue Base, the Blue Team stopped and turned to look at the Reds. Sarge gave Church a solemn salute that he returned, Simmons raised a fist to Tucker who gave a two-fingered salute, Grif waved to Sister who waved back and Donut nodded to Caboose who simply smiled. Then the two teams turned round and returned to their respective bases. As for Doc, he hung around for a while before shrugging and making his way back to the tunnel in the cliffs, hoping to call Command for a lift back…

_A few days later…_

On the roof of Blue Base, Church and Caboose stood and kept an eye out for danger. For a while they were silent then Caboose turned to his leader and spoke. "Hey, Church."

"Yeah, Caboose," Church replied.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" Caboose asked.

"You know, Caboose, I used to not care," Church sighed. "I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone _told_ you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or a snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level, not because they're _Red_ or because they're _Blue_, but because you _know_ them and you see them every day and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag."

Caboose stared at him through his visor in silence. "I meant, why are we up here in the sun, when we could be standing down there in the shade?" He pointed to the shadow behind the base.

"Oh," Church muttered. "Yeah okay, let's go stand in the shade."

Meanwhile, on a cliff overlooking the base, Grif and Simmons were spying on the Blues. Grif was watching the scene through the scope of his sniper rifle while Simmons stood nearby.

"What are they doing?" Simmons asked for the first time since they'd arrived five minutes ago.

Grif lowered the rifle and turned round. "What?"

"I said what are they doing _now_?"

"I don't know man, _talking_," Grif replied with a shrug. "That's all these guys ever do, they just stand around and talk."

Simmons was silent for a moment as he stared at the Blues. "What are they talking about?"

Grif glowered at his teammate. "You know what? I hate you."

"Yeah, I hate you too, buddy," Simmons replied with a smile.

Just then the voice of doom, also known as their Sergeant, rang out from the Red Base. "Hey ladies, get down here! I built a new vehicle from some old Warthog parts we had laying around!"

"It's an ATV!" Donut added with a giggle. "It's awesome!"

"Front and center on the double!" Sarge ordered. "We need help naming this thing and nothing stupid this time."

"I get to name this one," Simmons cried as he and Grif ran back to base.

"Why?" Grif asked.

"Because you named the _last_ one."

Grif then smiled. "Hey Simmons, one last thing…"

"What?"

"Shotgun!"

"FUCK!" Simmons' swear echoed across the canyon known only as Blood Gulch where, like it or leave it, for better or worse, through trials and tribulations, the Reds and Blues would always be there… until the next season.

* * *

**And there you have it. The Blood Gulch Chronicles draw to a close. I give my thanks to everyone who read and supported my stories. Until I get round to watching the rest of the Red vs. Blue seasons, this will be the last you hear from me.**

**So, on that bombshell, thank you and good night! (Or goodbye, depending on your time zones)**


End file.
